Refuse to Muse…SIKE!
We are LIIIIIIIIIIVE from Las Vegas, Nevada! The world’s number one location for absolute debauchery hosts the TV-PG Monday Night Raw!
– Hall of Famer Shawn Michaels is out first and does he usual “Oh hey, I’m back, watch my new show!” This sucks until we’re saved by CM Punk! Raw is already excellent because of this man.
– Punk goes toe to toe with Michaels on the mic. He’s so good. Michaels mentions their similarities, no smoking, no drinking, no drugs, to which Punk quips “anymore.” Holy shit.
– GM makes a match so Booker T spins the wheel! It lands on a question mark which apparently means mystery opponent. And Booker gets to choose? Either way, Kane v Punk is next.
– Standard match between the two, with Punk rolling out of the ring and getting counted out. Would it have made sense to have Michaels drag Punk back into the ring? Yes. Perhaps Punk pulls double duty tonight?
– Sin Cara vs Evan Bourne is next. Realllllly hope they don’t spin the wheel and give us a stupid ass match. Just let it be.
– The bell rings, the two circle around, Justin Roberts is in the ring still and we go to Booker. Clusterfucked.
– No countout match, which is ok for the seven seconds they’ll be on the outside.
– Thus far in his WWE tenure I have not been impressed with Sin Cara. Until now. See what happens when you book someone with someone else he can work with? This just proves that they need more lightweight guys.
– Good God these two are great together. Whole match was a highlight reel.
– Sin Cara with the win after his head scissors face plant thing.
– We learn who will compete in Raw’s MITB ladder match at the PPV: Rey, Swagger, Del Rio, Bourne, Kofi, Reilly, Miz, and Truth. Eight people is too many. Reilly and Miz don’t need to be in that match.
– Kofi vs Ziggler is next, and Kofi if allowed to spin the wheel. UNTIL Vickie interrupts and does it for him. Lands on Player’s Choice, meaning Kofi gets to pick the stip. He wants Vickie banned from ringside. Boring.
– Ziggler shoots Kofi into the ringpost on the outside and Lawler goes, “He might be out cold. We’d better get some help out here…” Really? He’s a wrestler who hit the post. It happens.
– Even though they’ve all been good matches, I’m getting kinda sick of seeing these two go at it.
– Kofi gets the win, which makes me wonder why Dolph isn’t in the MITB match.
– Del Rio gets his turn at the wheel. He flirts with Marys, who would actually make sense together on screen. You know, if she wasn’t worthless. He draws a cage match against Big Show.
– Have I mentioned how much I HATE when cage matches can end in anything but escape only?
– Mark Henry comes to ringside. Lawler: “Good thing this is a cage match; Mark Henry can only give moral support to Del Rio.” Because, you know, Henry never ripped a cage door off before.
– Then Henry proceeds to rip the door off, and has a little trouble doing so.
– Del Rio wins.
– Henry used the door to smash Big Show up a good amount. He pins Show in between the ropes and cage wall, then smashes him til the entire wall breaks away. Pretty cool, but Lashley’s was better.
– No lie, myself and TMChalupa are sitting here in preparation of Kelly vs Nikki Bella. He says “Pillow Fight,” I say “Submission.” I won, but we all lose.
– Do WWE Divas even know any submission moves? Apparently yes as Kelly wins with the Boston Crab.
– Rey’s wheel gets spun and he draws a Tornado match, which they probably should’ve told us is a tag match between Swagger/Miz and Reilly/Rey.
– DDP at the wheel with Booker!! Then…DREW MCINTYRE appears?! I remember that guys. Says he’s the future and they’re old and eats some Sweet Chin Music for his troubles. Michaels tells DDP he never saw anything that’s on the Nitro DVD because he was “working.” Except for the 3 years he wasn’t.
– I cannot remember the last time I saw a tag team tornado match. Playing Raw vs Smackdown does not apply.
– I still can’t believe how over A-Ry is.
– Reilly with a top rope hip toss? Can’t say I’ve seen that before, but I like it.
– Really good match, thought it was going to be kind of clusterfucked but it worked out just fine. Makes me really miss tag team wrestling.
– R-Truth gets a spin for his non-title match with John Cena, and it’s a tables match! Now we can see Truth go through a table then see Punk put Cena through one!
– Things that surprised me about Raw: only saw Cena once. Things that didn’t surprise me: no Ryder.
– I always liked the older tables match, which saw everyone go through the tables, just not on offensive moves. Made the matches more exciting.
– Cena ready to give the AA to Truth through the table, but Punk moves the table. And wears a Stone Cold shirt. Truth spears Cena for the win.
– CM Punk with another worked shoot promo. Oh my fucking God he is the man. Talked shit about Cena, Hogan, Rock, Brock, Vince, USA Network, and pretty much everything else you could possibly imagine. Promo of the year, hands fucking down. Jesus Christ he just wouldn’t stop. Mentioning Colt Cabana, New Japan, RoH, Vince’s “idiot daughter and doofus son in law.” They cut his mic and immediately went to black. No fade or anything, just out.
– I’m betting Vince said “Take the mic, and take no prisoners.”