BONERJAM II: the SECOND COMING review
Once again the traveling circus known as Interspecies Wrestling visited nearby Danbury, Connecticut, and I couldn’t be happier. It was going to be hard to top last year’s Burger King of the Ring (which I maintain is THE most fun I’ve had at any indy show ever). The atmosphere of holding a wrestling show in a club (of sorts) creates an entirely different monster than a gym/hall/etc. The standing room only aspect of ISW in Danbury only enhances the experience, as it allows us as fans to be that much closer to the action. Now I can’t remember every single spot of this show, but I’m going to do my best for a respectable review. Let’s get started!
Frankie Arion vs Pinkie Sanchez
– Frankie gets on the mic and let’s all of us know that Pinkie has just gotten out of rehab, but assures us he is going to relapse soon. Pinkie tells us he has a new high: the one and only Jesus Christ. Crowd chants “Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!” That’s a first for me.
– As expected these two went balls out. The action was fast paced and hard hitting. Frankie got the upper hand and retrieved as assload of cocaine that was stored in a pack of cigarettes. He blew it in Pinkie’s face, but it didn’t work out the way Frankie wanted. Pinkie LOST HIS GOD DAMN MIND and unleashed a coke-fueled fury. “I’M FUCKING GEEKED!” puts it best.
– The end came as Frankie was in the tree of woe and Pinkie was ready to pounce from the top rope, but Frankie blinded him with some awful smelling Axe body spray (seriously dude, Old Spice is where it’s at). Frankie a standing Double Pits to Chesty for the win. Pinkie then said if he was going to relapse, he would want it to be with all of us.
– Frankie also epically struck out with the chesty girl standing against the ring. She was not impressed with the GAnime Champion.
Team Tremendous vs Bastian Snow & Pasquale the Italian Chef
– Let me start off by saying I’m glad Dan Barry finally has a fucking shirt. My wardrobe is now forever “Remarkably Average” and I couldn’t be happier. Very excited to see he and Ken Scampi in ISW, as I’ve been watching them tear it up in CTWE for a while now. Also pumped to see Pasquale after his awesome debut in January.
– This marks the first time I’ve seen a cantaloupe used a weapon, as Bastian used it to smash Scampi’s balls. Pasquale needs to get his shit together too, as any respectable Italian would NEVER use French bread.
– Poor Scampi: Bastian’s shell just kept fucking him up. But it’s ok, because Dan Barry broke out his world famous HIPTOSS. Not once, not twice, but a record NINE hiptosses were dolled out. Scampi and the ref had no choice but to eat them too, Barry was on a role.
– I don’t remember how Team Tremendous won, but I know was I happy as shit because they did. Here’s hoping we get oodles more of those two together.
CTWE Showcase: First Class Vladimir Joseph vs Lukas Sharp
– I’ve seen these two wrestle quite a bit recently, but never in front of a crowd like this. It was a classic battle of David vs Goliath, because for those who don’t know Vlad is fucking massive and Lukas is tall and skinny.
– I enjoyed Vlad keeping himself PG; it’s a tough crowd and easy to get wrapped up in our profanities and such. I honestly did not expect him to tell us that he “has to doo doo.” Lukas was doing his usual awesome high flying spots (seriously, he’s really fucking good) and Vlad would just rock him. Lukas’ facial expressions are outstanding.
– Sharp was working the sleeper hold for a good portion of the match, and it finally worked in the end! However Vlad fell asleep and landed directly on top of Lukas, pinning him. Must say, I haven’t see that finish before. I’m glad I get to see these guys at CTWE every month.
Addy Starr vs Jodi D’Milo
– Just like when BKOTR was here last year, Addy Star is in another first for ISW: this time it’s a women’s match! I’ve seen both of these girls whoop the shit out of the guys so I was curious to see if they would “play nice” with each other. They didn’t. Those fucking forearms they were laying on each other landed with sickening thuds. Bitches be wildin, as they say.
– They literally just beat the shit out of each other. I like how both are so badass, but Jodi has sparkles on her kneepads and shoe laces, and Addy has thigh high tube socks on. It was adorable then scary because they kept fucking each other up. Addy got the win and Giant Tiger/Sexxy Eddie came out. GT called us all faggots and some girl a cunt, then offered a spot to Jodi in the League. She accepted and a three way kiss ensued, which ended up just being Eddie and Tiger making out.
Shitty vs Taka Suzuki vs Oni the Leopard King vs La Cucaracha
– Holy. Fucking. Shit. You want to see four guys brutally fuck each other up? You want to see crazy dives, the hardest chops on the East Coast, and a cockroach fight? Then boy do I have a match for you! This marks the 3rd time I’ve seen Taka wrestling live, and this man does not have an off switch. He goes full speed, full power all damn day. His yelling “FUCK YOU CUNT” didn’t hurt his standing in my eyes either.
– Best spot of the NIGHT happened as all four men sat down in a square. One by one they would chop each other as hard as possible. Shitty’s chest had welts on it by the time they finished. This match literally had it all: high spots, hard spots, comedy, and establishing a new threat in ISW (more on that later). Shitty won with a huuuuuuuuuuge piledriver.
Glaad Badd came out and announced to all of us that he is in fact straight. Ricky Badcliff comes out to let us now that the other Badd Brothers have been arrested and will no longer be apart of ISW 😦 Badcliff tells Glaad not to fret, however, as he has a new partner for him. Someone who will allow Glaad to be his big gay self. We are formally introduced to the Craigslist Homo! A new, gay tag team as arrived in ISW, and no one is safe from their slippery double teams. Pun intended.
Sexxxy Eddie vs Izzy Deadyet
– I’ll be honest, Izzy genuinely scares me. Another match with several firsts in it. The first being a legit drinking contest on the bar between these two. 3 beers, and Izzy won that shit HANDS DOWN. Makes sense: though Eddie is a Triple X Sex Express, Izzy is dead, and ergo cannot get drunk. Both of them letting out epic burps in my face was kinda cool, too.
– Izzy’s people’s elbow style move is outstanding. That zombie knows how to wrestle. Maybe next time he can add in a move or two from Thriller?
– I’ve never heard a crowd chant “Eat His Dick!” before.
– Now the most fucking weird thing I’ve ever seen in pro wrestling: Eddie reaches down through Izzy’s shirt and starts fishing around. No big dead, right? Then Izzy starts screaming and struggling as Eddie is really looking for something good. After some intense pulling, Eddie RIPS OFF IZZY’S DICK. He ripped. Off. A zombie’s. Dick. He then slapped everyone at ringside with it and won. No words can describe it.
El Hijo del Bamboo vs Homicide
– This is first time I’ve ever heard a negative response for Bamboo. How can anyone boo that adorable panda? He’s one of nature’s most precious creatures!
– Homicide was over as fuck; I guess some people just prefer a murder over a cuddly animal. Homicide pulled a fork out of his kneepad and killed a small stuff panda we brought in support of Bamboo. I shutter to think what he was going to really do with that fork…
– I loved how Homicide couldn’t keep a straight face in the ring. Even thugs love pandas! Except when they dive onto you on the floor. I don’t know if anyone would enjoy a 500lb mammal crashing into them. Then shit got weird.
– Homicide was clearly not himself after that bump. He was just hanging around the ring, took some time to chat with the fans and fix his headband. The whole match he had been talking about ripping Bamboo’s head off, and he finally did it. FORTUNATELY for us Homicide knew that he wasn’t wrestling the REAL Bamboo and exposed the fake in the ring. Bamboo scurried off and Homicide won via countout. Then Homicide brought a fan into the ring (Jimmy from Waterbury what up!) for a little Q&A. Safe to say we all enjoy Shelly Martinez’s huge tits. Then Dan Barry tried to end the whole thing, but ended up eating a Gringo Killer for his troubles.
Bunkhouse Brawl for ISW Title Twiggy vs Giant Tiger
– I have been to several shows where Fans Bring the Weapons. Never though, have I seen such unique weapons as I did Saturday night. Blow up doll, inflatable penis, nerf guns, ukelele, 4 foot Barbie, cake, keyboards, a random merch table, and God knows what else. These two beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. Tiger legit knocked Twiggy out of his boots.
– I’m pissed because I can’t remember how this match ended. But I know they beat the shit out of each other and Twiggy retained the title. But then SHITTY came down and piledrove Twiggy then posed with the belt, setting up a match at GRAND THEFT OTTAWA I assume.
Overall fucking FANTASTIC show from top to bottom. ISW is such a different experience from any other indy show I’ve ever been too. Do yourself a favor and go to ISW every chance you get. Here are some clickables for your pleasure: