Lawler Facts*

By now, every breathing soul that has ever visited the internet has seen the Chuck Norris Facts. “His tears cure cancer…too bad he never cries,” “Chuck Norris’ beard will roundhouse kick your face,” etc… Naturally, we here at know some things about one, Jerry Lawler. We are proud to present you with part one of an ongoing serious: Jerry Lawler Facts!

  • Jerry Lawler gave Andy Kaufman cancer.
  • Richard Simmons once told Jerry Lawler to quit acting like such a fag.
  • If you say “Jerry Lawler” into a mirror ten times on Friday the 13th, Jerry Lawler will show up behind you with an axe. Then he’ll try to sell you the axe to support his various substance addictions.
  • Jerry Lawler’s book “It’s Good to be King…Sometimes,” makes for some very nice toilet paper.
  • Jerry Lawler goes to bars and slips roofies into his own dirty martinis in hopes of getting picked up.
  • Jerry Lawler reads WWE Kid’s Magazine. Not because as a WWE employee he has to, but because he’s mildly retarded.
  • Jerry Lawler auditioned for “Brokeback Mountain,” but Ang Lee didn’t cast him because he “didn’t want to make a gay movie.”
  • Jerry Lawler has no friends on MySpace. Tom hates sexual predators.
  • Jerry Lawler hires day laborers to remove the children his molests from his basement.
  • When asked what his favorite movie is, Jerry Lawler said, “The Notebook. Nah, just kidding…Dreamgirls.”
  • When Jerry Lawler swims in a pond, he doesn’t get wet. The pond gets scabies
  • If you yell “Jerry Lawler” into the Grand Canyon, it echoes back “suuuuuuuuuuucks.”
  • Jerry Lawler burned down Jeff Hardy’s house.
  • Jerry Lawler once tried to donate sperm, but Elton John  refused to take it.
  • Jerry Lawler once tried to eat a 72 oz steak in an hour, but filled up on salad then threw up.
  • Doug gave away free pizza at NEW. The only thing Lawler ever gave you was the clap.
  • Jerry Lawler’s personal Food Pyramid consists of Edy’s low fat ice cream and sperm.

    Jerry Lawler does not sleep…he lies awake in shame.

    Jerry Lawler lost a fight to Steven Hawkins. Lawler was given the first punch.

    Jerry Lawler tried to have sex with Courtney Love on the set of “Man on the Moon” but got shot down. Even Courtney Love has standards.

    Jerry Lawler wears those shiny shirts on RAW in hopes of attracting small children.

    Jerry Lawler sits down to pee.

    Did you hear the good news? They finally found John Bennett Ramsey’s body…in Jerry Lawler’s basement.

    Jerry Lawler once burned his lips putting his mouth on the tailpipe of a car. Practice makes perfect.

    Stevie Wonder looked at Jerry Lawler a long time ago…and decided he never wanted to see again.

    The Axe Effect Deodorant Spray does not work for Jerry Lawler.

    The Diva who complained about Randy Orton shitting in their luggage wasn’t Amy Weber, it was actually Jerry Lawler.

    Jerry Lawler loves the Clevland Browns and the Indians. Figures; losers love losers.

    Jerry Lawler was given free wrestling training. Well, that certainly explains a lot.

    The last time Jerry Lawler had a good match was 197never.

    Jerry Lawler took on a second job the day of Over the Edge 1999. He was supposed to secure the harness.

    The main reason the XFL failed was because Lawler did commentary on that, too.

    After giving birth to Jerry Lawler and raising him for 18 years, Momma Lawler invented the abortion.

    Jim Ross rarely showed signs of his Bell’s Palsy until Jerry Lawler took over as full time commentator. COINCIDENCE?!

    Did you know a movie was made about Jerry Lawler’s life? It was called “The 40 Year Old Virgin.”

    Stevie Wonder found Waldo before Jerry Lawler could.

    Jerry Lawler has no matches on eHarmony.

    Even when doing piss-poor commentary, Jerry Lawler still wears knee pads. When asked if he was wrestling that night, he replied, “Sure.”

    As a teen, Jerry Lawler impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1976 Buccaneers, the worst team in NFL history, finishing their season 0-14 and losing by an average of 20 points per game.

    Jerry Lawler once got an erection, and the city of San Fransico rejoyced.

    Jerry Lawler owns a cabin on Brokeback Mountain.

    I shook Jerry Lawler’s hand once; it was like holding five wet noodles.

    Jerry Lawler’s mother was in labor for three more days following his birth: one for his ego, one for his intelligence, and one for his talent. The latter two were stillborns from lack of oxygen. Only Lawler’s ego survived.

    Michael J Fox has better handwriting than Jerry Lawler.

    When asked if it was okay to be referred to as “Jerry Stupid Lawler,” Lawler just sat there and stared at Santino; his mouth hanging open with drool pouring from his face.


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