Hard to believe it’s been ten years since Allen Iverson gave his infamous “practice” speech. What? This is about wrestling? Oh, good thing Raw is on. S’go!
– Big Johnny laying the verbal smackdown on Cena. Call me crazy but I am excited for their match at Over the Limit.
– Cena’s not in the arena live tonight? Hm, I’m sure.
– Wait, were the ropes always white? Or did they just change them for tonight? Either way, I like it.
– CM Punk takes a break from berating folks on Twitter to join us! Pipe bomb?
– Punk does his thing, runs down Johnny, and gets booked vs Tensai later on.
– The IC Title is looking awfully shiny tonight.
– Lawler is a fucking idiot, “What are the rules of a tables match?” Cole: “You put your opponent through a table. Cody dropkicked Big Show and then he went through the table!” Lawler: “That’s not what happened!” You stupid fucking moron, that’s exactly what happened.
– Cody via countout? That’s fine, I’m ready for this feud to end.
– Mmm, sexy Eve is sexy.
– I’m often curious to know if Kofi Kingston will ever be a true main eventer.
– Wait, could this be the beginning of a…tag team feud?
– I’ve seen Kofi vs Dolph about 100 times, and it’s always been great.
– Damn, the SOS just looked fantastic. No one sells like Dolph.
– Woo a ziggler win! Haven’t seen one of those in forever.
– The irony of Cena being via satellite is not lost on me.
– Phew, good thing the broadcast is experiencing technical difficulties. I didn’t want to hear a lot of this anyways.
– Just noticed Cena’s eyes are a nice steel blue and grey.
– I’ll never understand how Maxine is on television by Kaitlyn isn’t.
– Every time I hear Layla’s music, I’ll always think of McCool. Never forget, baby 😦
– Dude, Layla has been awesome these last two weeks. She’s quick, fluid, and just good.
– They gotta stop with the cars for Del Rio.
– So Sheamus/Orton vs Del Rio/Jericho. I suppose this leads to Jericho vs Orton?
– Good continuity: Daniel Bryan hurts Sheamus’ shoulder last week. Del Rio uses an arm bar that can also hurt shoulder.
– Wouldn’t mind an Orton/Del Rio feud, even though the promos would be obnoxiously boring.
– Nice series of finishers with Jericho pinning Sheamus. I smell a 4 way at Over the Limit.
– 4 way confirmed. Damn I’m good.
– New lighting for the Funkasauras!
– Aw Miz…poor Miz. Turn this man face!
– Oh my God, Miz isn’t getting buried! WAT?!
– Well, can’t say I didn’t see that coming. At least Miz, like Ziggler, didn’t get squashed.
– PS: Naomi is all azz.
– Oh good, another Brock Lesnar recap, now I can watch some NBA!
– So CM Punk tweets a picture of PAUL HEYMAN. I assume it’s all a ruse. Low and behold, I’m wrong, dammit.
– You know what sucks about Heyman being back on TV? A lot of these people don’t know who he is. It’s a shame how quickly they’re forgotten.
– Thank God he’s back though, even if it is just until Brock leaves.
– Brock quits, apparently. If Heyman sticks around with Brock through Mania, he gets a Hall of Fame nod. Bank on it.
– WHOA, WAIT, HOLD ON! CM Punk, the WWE Champion, is going to be in the main event?!
– I’m glad this handicap match was spoiled by Cole a half hour ago.
– Not a fan of Tensai nor his little swimmies.
– YES! YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!
– Tensai pins Punk.
– Thank God Bryan does a little post match beatdown on Punk, or else this Raw would’ve been a total waste.
I watch every Pay Per View the WWE offers. And as a professional journalist I feel the need to comment on everything the WWE does. However I hate live-blogging when I’m at someone’s house watching, so I figured I’d wait until today. Because I’m lazy.
Falls Count Anywhere: Kane vs Randy Orton
Not going to lie, I had high hopes for the this beyond “I can beat up your daddy.” I figured we’d get a good old fashioned brawl all over the arena match, and we did for the most part. Best part was when they intruded into the green room. All the lower level guys went scurrying except for Zach Ryder. That doofus. I was thinking/hoping that Ryder would cost Kane the match so they could finally feud. No such luck. And as far as that Falls Count Anywhere thing? Doesn’t match, because nearly every pin was attempted in the ring. Orton won in what was a pretty good one.
Brodus Clay vs Dolph Ziggler
Dammit! I like Brodus, and I’m glad he’s on PPV. But I’m pretty mad that his next victim is Ziggler, that man deserves so much more. I’m glad Chicago was firmly behind Dolph, and he did a damn good job of making Brodus look good. Obviously, Brodus won.
IC Title: Big Show vs Cody Rhodes
We spun the Raw Roulette wheel to see what match this would be, and it’s a tables match. Nice! Pretty standard match, nothing of note. Big Show put himself through a table by stepping on it. Yeah. I remember in the old days when it had to be an offensive maneuver to crown the winner. PG sure has changed things. I feel Cody getting the IC Title back is a step back for him, but I’ll save judgement until we see where it goes.
World Heavyweight Title 2 of 3 Falls: Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan
How over is D.Bryan? He cut an anti Chicago promo pre-match and they still “Yes’d” him to death. Love it. This match, hands down, is the best non-hardcore/extreme/stipulation match of the year so far. From a pure wrestling standpoint, this match was outstanding. They did everything right in this one, waiting like 10 minutes for the first fall. Bryan sacrificed the first fall by DQ, then tapped Sheamus out almost immediately after. Unfortunately, Sheamus when Superman and Brogue Kicked Bryan for the 3rd fall. I’m ok with Sheamus retaining, as there’s more options for him as Champ compared to Bryan. This match had it all, true ring psychology, pure wrestling, just great everything.
Ryback vs Jobbers
That’s right, TWO jobbers! I get they’re trying to push Ryback hard, but maybe it’s too early for PPV. The crowd shit on it too, chanting Goldberg and being relatively uninterested. Maybe you should keep him on Smackdown where you can pipe in cheers.
WWE Title Chicago Street Fight CM Punk vs Chris Jericho
Wow. That’s all I can say. Simply fantastic. Bryan/Sheamus was great for a pure wrestling match, but this one was as good as it gets for a brawl. The street clothes were a nice touch. Punk’s family sitting ringside was also a nice element. Punk’s sister’s slap on Jericho was pretty legit, those Punk’s know how to fight. These two beat the ever-loving shit out of one another. Lots of clever spots with the usual weapons. Punk’s elbow to the announce table was great, haven’t seen something like that in a few years. Punk retains in a match that should be on both men’s future DVDs.
Divas Title: Nikki Bella vs ???
Beth Phoenix is hurt, maybe. Either way she ain’t wrestling so Nikki gets a mystery opponent. It’s probably Kharma, right? “You’re not enough for me!” OH MAN IT’S MICHELLE McCO- oh, wait, it’s Layla. That’s cool too. Not a bad buffer match, felt bad the crowd didn’t pop for her return like I’m sure they would’ve liked. Layla wins.
Extreme Rules Brock Lesnar vs John Cena
Holy shit. That’s it, holy shit. Incredible. I don’t have a lot of friends who really like MMA, so when they saw those elbows Brock opened up with, they were in utter shock. As was I. I like how they’re letting him showcase his (mediocre) MMA skills. I have never, EVER seen Cena abused and manhandled like this. He got his shit fucked up every minute of this match. This is the best beatdown match I’ve ever witnessed in my life. He just battered Cena EVERYWHERE, I can’t get over that. We all bitch about not having blood anymore but you know what? In the rare occasion there is blood, it makes the match mean so much more. Cena was busted up for realz in the first minute, and Brock got his head bloodied towards the end. After getting his ass handed to him, Cena won. I’m ok with that, considering Brock isn’t going to be on TV all the time.
Overall fucking outstanding. Most complete PPV thus far with not one, but THREE true match of the year candidates. Good job, WWE, Extreme Rules lives up to the hype again.
Holy Toledo Extreme Rules was awesome! But that’s not what we’re talking about, we’re talking about Raw!
– Crowd is HOT and Big Johnny is amped. Brock looks unfazed by that loss.
– Triple H’s hand looks very tan.
– If we get Brock vs Triple H at some point, I feel as if Raven foresaw the future. Doing the whole “Cripple H” thing and whatnot.
– You can’t just tear up a contract, Triple H! That’s breach, and Brock should sue/F5 the WWE.
– You do NOT tell Big Johnny to shut up, Mr H.
– Triple H: “No one is bigger than the WWE.” Believe me, I’ve been trying for 15 years.
– Forget Brock vs Orton at SummerSlam. That rumor sucks. If Brock can do what he did to Cena last night (ie fuck his life up) then Orton literally doesn’t stand a chance. Triple H vs Brock Lesnar is most certainly the big money match.
– I’ve always liked the Beat the Clock Challenges. Pretty sure I was there for the first one way back in 2005.
– Oh hey, it’s the Miz! I remember you!
– You know, Santino is SO over that I could actually see him getting a PPV title shot at some point.
– I thought for sure Miz was going to get jobbed out again. But I guess you can’t bury your next movie star too much.
– Triple Threat for the Divas title? I’d like a Triple Threat with any of these girls if you catch my drift. I mean sex.
– The final burial of the Bellas is almost complete. Layla with the quick win. Rollups rule!
– You know why I like Beat the Clock? Ideally it gives you the top ten ranked guys for the WWE Title.
– Oh God, Big Show vs Jericho.
– Not a bad match actually. Show with a small package! Or, a big package, I guess.
– Blown finish: Show getting counted out, ref clearly not counting as fast as the clock on the screen. Jericho wins by countout but isn’t in the ring in time. Until black ref tells us that he was. They go to commercial to settle this clusterfuck instead.
– They acknowledge the obvious, and if Black Ref hasn’t been fired/eaten alive by Vince by now, then I fear for his life.
– Funky’s on a roll!
– Naomi is quickly becomes a favorite Diva of mine. DATASS.
– Ha. JTG.
– Wait, JTG STILL HAS A JOB?!
– Hate to say it, but the crowd doesn’t seem to pop for Brodus as hard as they have.
– Orton? WHY IS A SMACKDOWN GUY GETTING A RAW TITLE SHOT?!
– And against Swagger, too. It’s 10:07, match hasn’t started yet and it’s a commercial. Spoiler: Orton wins.
– Oooooooooh Orton said shit! teehee.
– Orton is now Beating the Clock.
– Holy shit, WWE.com just reported the Bellas have been fired. Interesting way to dump them, on dotcom during Raw.
– Oh my, a Tag Title match!
– This match is brought to you by Taco Bell! Ignore the Hispanics in the ring, WWE swears it’s not racist.
– I can’t believe Primo just kicked Little Jimmy! That monster!
– Good to see Kofi/Truth tagging again. With these two teams, plus the Usos, Darren Young/Titus O’Niel, and any other random team they throw together, we might actually get a real division!
– I’d probably stab someone for some time with Rosa Mendes.
– What a shock! Kofi and Truth win the belts!
– I was just about to say, “Wow, what a great WRESTLING show tonight. Then I learned that the Great Khali has a match.
– Oh Lord, it’s Wrestlemania 23 all over again
– I know I bitched about Orton being in a Raw title shot match, but I’m okay with Daniel Bryan doing the same thing. SHUT UP THATS WHY.
– His opponent is…Jerry Lawler. LOL.
– What a waste, really. Couldn’t put Ziggler, Tensai, Brodus, Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes, Derrick Bateman in one of these matches? Gotta use Khali and Lawler?
– Punk vs Bryan on PPV? GIVE IT TO ME.
– This is literally going to be outstanding and insane and everything I want it to be. Another Match of the Year candidate right there in one of America’s best wrestling cities.
– C’mon, whatever city we’re in tonight: if Chicago doesn’t boo Cena, neither do you.
– Big Johnny to announce Cena’s opponent at Over the Limit. It’ll be Tensai, yawn.
– WAIT! SWERVE! IT’LL BE JOHNNY! HOLY SHIT! HE’S GONE MAD! EVERYONE HAS GONE CRAZY! IT’S