Hard to believe it’s been ten years since Allen Iverson gave his infamous “practice” speech. What? This is about wrestling? Oh, good thing Raw is on. S’go!
– Big Johnny laying the verbal smackdown on Cena. Call me crazy but I am excited for their match at Over the Limit.
– Cena’s not in the arena live tonight? Hm, I’m sure.
– Wait, were the ropes always white? Or did they just change them for tonight? Either way, I like it.
– CM Punk takes a break from berating folks on Twitter to join us! Pipe bomb?
– Punk does his thing, runs down Johnny, and gets booked vs Tensai later on.
– The IC Title is looking awfully shiny tonight.
– Lawler is a fucking idiot, “What are the rules of a tables match?” Cole: “You put your opponent through a table. Cody dropkicked Big Show and then he went through the table!” Lawler: “That’s not what happened!” You stupid fucking moron, that’s exactly what happened.
– Cody via countout? That’s fine, I’m ready for this feud to end.
– Mmm, sexy Eve is sexy.
– I’m often curious to know if Kofi Kingston will ever be a true main eventer.
– Wait, could this be the beginning of a…tag team feud?
– I’ve seen Kofi vs Dolph about 100 times, and it’s always been great.
– Damn, the SOS just looked fantastic. No one sells like Dolph.
– Woo a ziggler win! Haven’t seen one of those in forever.
– The irony of Cena being via satellite is not lost on me.
– Phew, good thing the broadcast is experiencing technical difficulties. I didn’t want to hear a lot of this anyways.
– Just noticed Cena’s eyes are a nice steel blue and grey.
– I’ll never understand how Maxine is on television by Kaitlyn isn’t.
– Every time I hear Layla’s music, I’ll always think of McCool. Never forget, baby 😦
– Dude, Layla has been awesome these last two weeks. She’s quick, fluid, and just good.
– They gotta stop with the cars for Del Rio.
– So Sheamus/Orton vs Del Rio/Jericho. I suppose this leads to Jericho vs Orton?
– Good continuity: Daniel Bryan hurts Sheamus’ shoulder last week. Del Rio uses an arm bar that can also hurt shoulder.
– Wouldn’t mind an Orton/Del Rio feud, even though the promos would be obnoxiously boring.
– Nice series of finishers with Jericho pinning Sheamus. I smell a 4 way at Over the Limit.
– 4 way confirmed. Damn I’m good.
– New lighting for the Funkasauras!
– Aw Miz…poor Miz. Turn this man face!
– Oh my God, Miz isn’t getting buried! WAT?!
– Well, can’t say I didn’t see that coming. At least Miz, like Ziggler, didn’t get squashed.
– PS: Naomi is all azz.
– Oh good, another Brock Lesnar recap, now I can watch some NBA!
– So CM Punk tweets a picture of PAUL HEYMAN. I assume it’s all a ruse. Low and behold, I’m wrong, dammit.
– You know what sucks about Heyman being back on TV? A lot of these people don’t know who he is. It’s a shame how quickly they’re forgotten.
– Thank God he’s back though, even if it is just until Brock leaves.
– Brock quits, apparently. If Heyman sticks around with Brock through Mania, he gets a Hall of Fame nod. Bank on it.
– WHOA, WAIT, HOLD ON! CM Punk, the WWE Champion, is going to be in the main event?!
– I’m glad this handicap match was spoiled by Cole a half hour ago.
– Not a fan of Tensai nor his little swimmies.
– YES! YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!
– Tensai pins Punk.
– Thank God Bryan does a little post match beatdown on Punk, or else this Raw would’ve been a total waste.
I watch every Pay Per View the WWE offers. And as a professional journalist I feel the need to comment on everything the WWE does. However I hate live-blogging when I’m at someone’s house watching, so I figured I’d wait until today. Because I’m lazy.
Falls Count Anywhere: Kane vs Randy Orton
Not going to lie, I had high hopes for the this beyond “I can beat up your daddy.” I figured we’d get a good old fashioned brawl all over the arena match, and we did for the most part. Best part was when they intruded into the green room. All the lower level guys went scurrying except for Zach Ryder. That doofus. I was thinking/hoping that Ryder would cost Kane the match so they could finally feud. No such luck. And as far as that Falls Count Anywhere thing? Doesn’t match, because nearly every pin was attempted in the ring. Orton won in what was a pretty good one.
Brodus Clay vs Dolph Ziggler
Dammit! I like Brodus, and I’m glad he’s on PPV. But I’m pretty mad that his next victim is Ziggler, that man deserves so much more. I’m glad Chicago was firmly behind Dolph, and he did a damn good job of making Brodus look good. Obviously, Brodus won.
IC Title: Big Show vs Cody Rhodes
We spun the Raw Roulette wheel to see what match this would be, and it’s a tables match. Nice! Pretty standard match, nothing of note. Big Show put himself through a table by stepping on it. Yeah. I remember in the old days when it had to be an offensive maneuver to crown the winner. PG sure has changed things. I feel Cody getting the IC Title back is a step back for him, but I’ll save judgement until we see where it goes.
World Heavyweight Title 2 of 3 Falls: Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan
How over is D.Bryan? He cut an anti Chicago promo pre-match and they still “Yes’d” him to death. Love it. This match, hands down, is the best non-hardcore/extreme/stipulation match of the year so far. From a pure wrestling standpoint, this match was outstanding. They did everything right in this one, waiting like 10 minutes for the first fall. Bryan sacrificed the first fall by DQ, then tapped Sheamus out almost immediately after. Unfortunately, Sheamus when Superman and Brogue Kicked Bryan for the 3rd fall. I’m ok with Sheamus retaining, as there’s more options for him as Champ compared to Bryan. This match had it all, true ring psychology, pure wrestling, just great everything.
Ryback vs Jobbers
That’s right, TWO jobbers! I get they’re trying to push Ryback hard, but maybe it’s too early for PPV. The crowd shit on it too, chanting Goldberg and being relatively uninterested. Maybe you should keep him on Smackdown where you can pipe in cheers.
WWE Title Chicago Street Fight CM Punk vs Chris Jericho
Wow. That’s all I can say. Simply fantastic. Bryan/Sheamus was great for a pure wrestling match, but this one was as good as it gets for a brawl. The street clothes were a nice touch. Punk’s family sitting ringside was also a nice element. Punk’s sister’s slap on Jericho was pretty legit, those Punk’s know how to fight. These two beat the ever-loving shit out of one another. Lots of clever spots with the usual weapons. Punk’s elbow to the announce table was great, haven’t seen something like that in a few years. Punk retains in a match that should be on both men’s future DVDs.
Divas Title: Nikki Bella vs ???
Beth Phoenix is hurt, maybe. Either way she ain’t wrestling so Nikki gets a mystery opponent. It’s probably Kharma, right? “You’re not enough for me!” OH MAN IT’S MICHELLE McCO- oh, wait, it’s Layla. That’s cool too. Not a bad buffer match, felt bad the crowd didn’t pop for her return like I’m sure they would’ve liked. Layla wins.
Extreme Rules Brock Lesnar vs John Cena
Holy shit. That’s it, holy shit. Incredible. I don’t have a lot of friends who really like MMA, so when they saw those elbows Brock opened up with, they were in utter shock. As was I. I like how they’re letting him showcase his (mediocre) MMA skills. I have never, EVER seen Cena abused and manhandled like this. He got his shit fucked up every minute of this match. This is the best beatdown match I’ve ever witnessed in my life. He just battered Cena EVERYWHERE, I can’t get over that. We all bitch about not having blood anymore but you know what? In the rare occasion there is blood, it makes the match mean so much more. Cena was busted up for realz in the first minute, and Brock got his head bloodied towards the end. After getting his ass handed to him, Cena won. I’m ok with that, considering Brock isn’t going to be on TV all the time.
Overall fucking outstanding. Most complete PPV thus far with not one, but THREE true match of the year candidates. Good job, WWE, Extreme Rules lives up to the hype again.
Holy Toledo Extreme Rules was awesome! But that’s not what we’re talking about, we’re talking about Raw!
– Crowd is HOT and Big Johnny is amped. Brock looks unfazed by that loss.
– Triple H’s hand looks very tan.
– If we get Brock vs Triple H at some point, I feel as if Raven foresaw the future. Doing the whole “Cripple H” thing and whatnot.
– You can’t just tear up a contract, Triple H! That’s breach, and Brock should sue/F5 the WWE.
– You do NOT tell Big Johnny to shut up, Mr H.
– Triple H: “No one is bigger than the WWE.” Believe me, I’ve been trying for 15 years.
– Forget Brock vs Orton at SummerSlam. That rumor sucks. If Brock can do what he did to Cena last night (ie fuck his life up) then Orton literally doesn’t stand a chance. Triple H vs Brock Lesnar is most certainly the big money match.
– I’ve always liked the Beat the Clock Challenges. Pretty sure I was there for the first one way back in 2005.
– Oh hey, it’s the Miz! I remember you!
– You know, Santino is SO over that I could actually see him getting a PPV title shot at some point.
– I thought for sure Miz was going to get jobbed out again. But I guess you can’t bury your next movie star too much.
– Triple Threat for the Divas title? I’d like a Triple Threat with any of these girls if you catch my drift. I mean sex.
– The final burial of the Bellas is almost complete. Layla with the quick win. Rollups rule!
– You know why I like Beat the Clock? Ideally it gives you the top ten ranked guys for the WWE Title.
– Oh God, Big Show vs Jericho.
– Not a bad match actually. Show with a small package! Or, a big package, I guess.
– Blown finish: Show getting counted out, ref clearly not counting as fast as the clock on the screen. Jericho wins by countout but isn’t in the ring in time. Until black ref tells us that he was. They go to commercial to settle this clusterfuck instead.
– They acknowledge the obvious, and if Black Ref hasn’t been fired/eaten alive by Vince by now, then I fear for his life.
– Funky’s on a roll!
– Naomi is quickly becomes a favorite Diva of mine. DATASS.
– Ha. JTG.
– Wait, JTG STILL HAS A JOB?!
– Hate to say it, but the crowd doesn’t seem to pop for Brodus as hard as they have.
– Orton? WHY IS A SMACKDOWN GUY GETTING A RAW TITLE SHOT?!
– And against Swagger, too. It’s 10:07, match hasn’t started yet and it’s a commercial. Spoiler: Orton wins.
– Oooooooooh Orton said shit! teehee.
– Orton is now Beating the Clock.
– Holy shit, WWE.com just reported the Bellas have been fired. Interesting way to dump them, on dotcom during Raw.
– Oh my, a Tag Title match!
– This match is brought to you by Taco Bell! Ignore the Hispanics in the ring, WWE swears it’s not racist.
– I can’t believe Primo just kicked Little Jimmy! That monster!
– Good to see Kofi/Truth tagging again. With these two teams, plus the Usos, Darren Young/Titus O’Niel, and any other random team they throw together, we might actually get a real division!
– I’d probably stab someone for some time with Rosa Mendes.
– What a shock! Kofi and Truth win the belts!
– I was just about to say, “Wow, what a great WRESTLING show tonight. Then I learned that the Great Khali has a match.
– Oh Lord, it’s Wrestlemania 23 all over again
– I know I bitched about Orton being in a Raw title shot match, but I’m okay with Daniel Bryan doing the same thing. SHUT UP THATS WHY.
– His opponent is…Jerry Lawler. LOL.
– What a waste, really. Couldn’t put Ziggler, Tensai, Brodus, Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes, Derrick Bateman in one of these matches? Gotta use Khali and Lawler?
– Punk vs Bryan on PPV? GIVE IT TO ME.
– This is literally going to be outstanding and insane and everything I want it to be. Another Match of the Year candidate right there in one of America’s best wrestling cities.
– C’mon, whatever city we’re in tonight: if Chicago doesn’t boo Cena, neither do you.
– Big Johnny to announce Cena’s opponent at Over the Limit. It’ll be Tensai, yawn.
– WAIT! SWERVE! IT’LL BE JOHNNY! HOLY SHIT! HE’S GONE MAD! EVERYONE HAS GONE CRAZY! IT’S
Look, I’m not looking forward to watching Raw tonight. It’s just been bad the last two weeks. At least I know Detroit will do work. Let’s do it.
– That is one fancy ass table.
– Theodore Long with the botch of the night, “He is a 2 time WWE Champion…and 10 time WWE Champion. John Cena!”
– Big Johnny says this might be Cena’s last night on Raw?
– EDGE! WAT! EDGE! ON THIS DAY! I SEE CLEARLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
– I now very much enjoy your haircut, Edge.
– Hell yeah Edge, awesome pep talk to Cena. He should be a motivational speaker for any guy who needs a pick me up. Reminds me of Foley to Edge in 06, and Flair to Carlito, whenever that was.
– Also, I’m glad someone finally pointed out Brock is here for money just like the Rock.
– First Edge, now Jericho. How many more Canadians can we get on TV?!
– Jericho vs Kofi has never been a bad match. I wonder how much longer Kofi won’t be a main eventer.
– Awesome top rope splash into Codebreaker.
– The ONLY time Jericho does the Liontamer is on Kofi, I’m convinced.
– Big Johnny is totally gonna give some “People Power” to Eve, if you catch my drift. SEX.
– Jericho bought Punk a very nice liquor gift basket. Looks expensive. He gave the basket to Josh Matthews! How nice!
– Question: who will lost clean first: Tensai or Brodus? Or Ryback?
– It took 51 minutes for the first YES! chant to break out.
Albert A-Train the Hip Hop Hippo Giant Bernard really hasn’t improved THAT much. I don’t know what the big deal is.
– I guess the green mist is poison, right?
– It’s like Sunday Night Heat from 1999: Albert vs K-Kwik
– Kane with a nice little promo on Orton. Then Orton makes it a true family affair and has Paul Bearer all tied up! He throws him in the freezer. But Kane don’t give no fucks. Edge rolled Bearer down a flight of stairs.
– Look, let’s just make it official: The Ortons vs Kane/Bearer at Extreme Rules.
– Why is Alex Riley on my TV?!
– A-Ry doing the old Just Joe gimmick
– The irony of Riley snitching on someone for drinking is not lost on me.
– Godammit if they win, Show and Khali are default #1 Contender’s….
– If Cody was still dashing, he and Del Rio would be made for each other.
– I just cannot get into a Del Rio match, any Del Rio match. It’s like after he lost to Edge it was all over for me. His matches with Punk? They were good but I was just uninterested.
– Wtf? Live Pre Show Sunday on YouTube, Santino vs Miz for the US Title? Wtf is that?
– A…Divas match on Raw? It’s been so long. But really, not long enough.
– Lumberjills. Yay?
– Mmmm Kaitlyn on my TV
– Jesus Christ. Not only are these broads terrible at wrestling, but they can’t even get coordinated enough to bang on the match in rhythm.
– Aaaaaaaaaaaand Beth Phoenix broken ankle. 3 months, gone.
– The Divas title matches Bella’s ring gear.
– He really IS CM Drunk! And a terrible actor at that.
– Have we ever had a field sobriety test on Raw? Nearly 20 years and I think this is the first.
– He said a bad word! He said WWF!!!
– CM Drunk has finally perfected his Jeff Hardy impression.
– No breathalyzer? No flashlight in the eyes? This wasn’t a real sobriety test!
– So according to Eve, no WWE superstar can drink within 12 hours of a WWE event…I assume Steve Austin has been banished from WWE history.
– Second Brock highlight of the night, when he killed Hogan on Smackdown. I still have this match on VHS. Mad they didn’t show him wiping Hogan’s blood across his own chest. Bad. Ass.
– YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
– I’m fully convinced they want the Yes chants dead, but they just don’t know how to do it. Cause they’re dumb.
– By the way: this match is Sheamus vs Mark henry, with D.Bry as the ref.
– Mark Henry stays beating the top two Champions, as long as it’s not for the actual title, and as long as it’s not in the main event.
– HOLY FUCK THE DORITO LOs TACO IS SPONSORING INDIVIDUAL MATCHES NOW? I MUST HAVE ONE.
– Hmmm, the Colons vs Ryder and Santino? Maybe.
– I remember one time when Ryder and Rose Mendes were an item.
– Just noticed Santino has his own five moves of doom.
-Abraham Washington is going to make a stable of EVERY single mid-carder in the WWE, thus creating a conflict of interest amongst all of this clients.
– Naomi and Cameron have so much ass.
– I can’t believe Taco Bell is sponsoring this match.
– Sigh…American Perfection should be ruling Raw.
– Brock highlight #3: I’m sure it’s no coincidence that he’s beating all TNA guys in these clips
– This is the FIFTH time this video has been shown on 3 shows. STOP.
– That table is far to pretty to get destroyed.
– Wow, Bork Laser is fucking terrible. I was blinded by it a decade ago, but…fuck. Awful.
– So remember when the Rock was intentionally bad so Cena would get cheered a bit? This horrible Brock promo is the same thing, right? Because there is no way he is this fucking bad. It’s God awful. I’ve seen better backyard wrestling promos. Just…ow.
– Cena saves us! And he’s wearing a padlock! The very same he wore 9 years ago when these two fought at Backlash!
– After Bork’s promo, how can anyone chant Cena Sucks?
– Now that Alistar Overeem cant fight MMA for a while, any chance we get Overeem/Lesnar at SummerSlam?
– Oh my fucking Christ, worst ending to Raw in a long time.
– So Smackdown is always taped and always looks different from live Raw. But this Raw is taped and looks like any other Raw. How is this so?
– I can tell I’m going to like this crowd. DC sucked hard last week.
WWE Title: Punk v Henry
– Glad to see Henry getting another push, even though he’s not going to win any more significant matches.
– CM Punk doing his best Jeff Hardy-walk the barrier imitation and ends with a flying bulldog. Nice.
– Punk eats a nasty powerbomb against the barrier. Hell yeah.
– Oh my! Almost a chairshot to the head! So close…
– Punk’s top rope elbow FINALLY looks good, and all it took was a steel chair.
– Punk v Jericho for the belt at Extreme Rules in a Chicago Street, which is ironic, because he’s from Chicago. Get it?
– The bar Jericho is in is the worst fake bar I’ve ever seen.
US Title Santino v Otunga
– It has been exactly 5 years since the Milan Miracle.
– Still disappointed Santino hasn’t changed the title to European Title.
– Troll Face!
– Not sure if Lord Tensai…or Shredder.
– Brock Lesnar is the most outspoken Superstar of all time, Cole? He had a mouthpiece for a year!
– UFC style promos in the WWE? Like.
Kane v Ryder
– Hey! Remember when these two were kind of feuding, then Ryder broke his back and Kane went on to lose to Cena and Orton? And then Ryder fell back in love with Eve but that petered off and she finally turned on him? And then creative remembered that these two were feuding so they decided to throw them back together? Yeah? WELL FUCK.
– Nevermind all that. Squash. Good.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
– Gross, the scripted Cena is back.
– Can it really be considered a new era if the top two guys you have (Cena/Orton) have been here for 10 years, a guy that just came back (Brock) debuted 10 years ago and has been gone for 8. It’s not a new era. Don’t be dumb!
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
– Changing the LaBelle Lock to the YesLock is silly, but dammit I love it.
– The Daniel Bryan Effect (aka YES!) is going to have adverse effects on everyone he fights, like Kofi and Sheamus. Sheamus is literally going to get boo’d out of the building in Chicago.
– Awesome springboard backwards splash to the outside by Kofi.
– Typical London Raw: one really great match, but other than that not much.
– Funky’s on a rollllllllllllll
– I feel as if this isn’t going to bode well for Ziggler. Not that it matters, because Brodus touched Swagger so DQ? No sense has been made.
– Big Johnny has THE best sign on his locker room door ever.
– Jay Strongbow memorial video, that aired last week, when he did the week before.
The Carlitos vs Show/Khali
– Fuck Khali dead.
– Poor kids, they never stood a chance.
– His name is Abraham Washington. Not AW. That’s STOOOOPUD.
– God bless her Canadian heart, but Rosa cannot walk right in those heels.But damn I love watching her try.
– Interesting that the Miz hasn’t been on TV tonight yet.
Extreme Rules Cena vs……
– So, i thought it was going to be the Miz. Made sense, right? Well, we’re all dumb. It’s Lord Tensai. I didn’t even consider him. Cause I’m dumb.
– So turns out A-Train really hasn’t improved too much since he’s been gone.
– That green mist matches Cena’s wristband!
– John Laurinaitis has some awesomely Patriotic music. People Power!
– Fuck. This crowd SUCKS compared to Miami. But who cares, because HERE COMES THE PAIN!
– The only problem with pimping Brock’s UFC stuff is he go his ass killed his final two fights.
– Oh God, Brock isn’t playing a murder, his promo is cocky. NO ME GUSTA.
– An entire roster pull apart brawl between Cena/Lesnar? If they really wanted to keep them apart, all you need is A-Train, Mark Henry, Ryback, and Brodus.
– Scumbag WWE: “No Blood!” Shows Cena with legit blood.
– I fully expect a Lion’s Den match at Extreme Rules.
– So Brock legit punches Cena in the mouth, and remember real quick that he’s not in MMA anymore.
– Johnny has his Wrestlemania suit hanging in his office! Class.
– Funky’s on a Roll!
– Brodus/Santino vs American Perfection. This match will have the best of all worlds.
– I love Swagger’s shiny singlet.
– I’ll say it again: Swagger is just a personality away from being huge.
– Brodus getting the hot tag is the perfect time to say “Funky’s on a roll!!!”
– Ziggler got pinned? Ziggler….pinned…in a tag match…with Swagger? I’ve lost all faith.
– Big Show interrupts a Cody Rhodes match with a black guy, showing a recap of embarassing him, the EXACT same thing he did last week. Inception? BWOOOOOOMP.
– My friend Mike correctly guessed that Yoshi Tatsu would be squashed by Tensai tonight.
– I wonder if Lord Tensai remembers that time Lesnar dropped A-Train on his head with an F5.
– Poor Yoshi, home boy did’t get in ANY offense. Even Alex Riley got in a punch or two.
– I was hoping the Blast From the Past Smackdown tomorrow would feature the OvalTron or the giant fist stages. Looks like it’s just going to be an episode of Nitro from 2000.
– So if CM Punk just walks to the ring without stopped, does that mean it’s not clobberin time?
– Has Punk ever had a WWE/World Title reign on Raw where he was the focus of the show?
– I need to know where Jericho gets his coats made.
– Which does Punk hate more: flat Pepsi or booze?
– For the first time ever I am not impressed with a CM Punk promo. Hmph.
– So I guess Punk has to literally kill Mark Henry right now, right?
– Jericho pouring a case of beer on Punk. Legit? I’ve never seen that type of beer before, could be non-alcoholic?
– Zack Ryder taps out like a bitch. I’m no longer a fan of that guy.
– Del Rio whipping his nose with Ryder’s armband? Awesome.
– So I really didn’t want to discuss the 3 Stooges, but then Will Sasso came out and did a great job impersonating Hulk Hogan. Michael Cole: “Hogan lost some weight.” Perfect.
– Will Sasso will take a chokeslam, he don’t give a fuck.
– Brock Lesnar needs start practicing his promos again. Dude is baaaaaaaaaaaad.
– This show has been too video package heavy.
– David Otunga is SO oiled.
– There are like 30 Wounder Warriors in the crowd tonight. “Oh you’re wounded? Here, have shitty seats in the upper deck.”
– This is the first time the crowd has truly become alive. Say what you will, but Cena ALWAYS gets a reaction.
– Wow, there were no Divas on Raw tonight. First time ever?
– Otunga doing his best Chris Masters pose. The Blacksterpiece?
– I can tell Lesnar is not taking this seriously, and I kind of like it.
Really bad Raw. Hopefully Smackdown will be better. Gnite!