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Talkin’ bout Smackdown!

Holy Moses it’s been a while! But it’s Wrestlemania season, and my website, so I’ll do what I want. Go!

– I had the opening segment with Hell No, Big Show, the Rhodes Scholars, and Del Rio on mute, but because I attended the Teddy Long School of Booking, I knew it was going to be a 6 man. Just not elimination style. Swerve~!

– When’s the last time Wade Barrett and Sheamus didn’t fight each other? It’s been like 15 TV matches and they haven’t feuded yet. Guess we’ll wait for one of them to be World Champion.
– I do always enjoy these matches, they’re usually hard hitting and bruising.
– Barrett’s mule kick is awesome.
– Sheamus on the top rope, maybe we’ll get some more Flying Sheamus photoshops! Or he’ll take a great bump from the top. Either way.
– When are we gonna see some White Noise through a table?
– Did Sheamus really need this win?

– I’m glad justice was served to the Rock. He’s a rapscallion!

– If Great Khali, Natalya, and Hornswoggle make a sex tape, I’d pay good money.
– Rosa vs Nattie? I guess it’s time to use the Divas you’ve got instead of hiring more models.
– Primo, Epico, Horny, AND Khali on commentary? Fantastic.
– Actually not a bad match. Here’s a thought: let the ladies who trained to wrestle actually wrestle!

– CM Punk? On Smackdown? With a mic? Daddy like.
– Very disappointed that Punk/Rock didn’t have more face to face time nor a bigger build up. The things they’ve could’ve done.
– Heyman is the best sleazeball ever.
– Was very much looking forward to Ambrose vs Punk promo war. Dammit.
– The Shield just got Punk’d! Get it?!
– Worst Smackdown editing ever when Rock said he was gonna shove his foot up his ass.

HOLY SHIT I hate the Rumble commercial. THE SHIELD CAN’T WIN THE RUMBLE, YOU IDIOT.

– IT’S THA THREE MAN BAAAANNNNNNNND BAHBY~!
– JBL with a Mean Street Posse name drop!
– Did Drew McIntyre ever have a chance against Randy Orton?
– You get an RKO! And YOU get an RKO! And YOU get an RKO!

An ad for the best of Raw and Smackdown DVD, featuring only Brock Lesnar? Interesting.

– MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
– A fantastically dressed Cesaro on commentary.
– Darren Young vs Miz. Should be…good?
– Standard match, and Miz didn’t botch the Figure Four!
– ALL AMERICAN ANTONIO CESARO

Of course showing the recap of Rock/Punk from literally 26 minutes ago is a good idea.

– Main event time! I like the elimination aspect of it, spices up the same old, same old.
– Cody’s Mustache needs a TV show.
– Daniel Bryan vs Damien Sandow: Loser Shaves Dat Beard.
– Show with a nice KO Punch to Kane on the outside.
– Can’t wait for guys like D.Bry and Cody to be the main event forever.
– I enjoy watching Big Show and Cody Rhodes team up. It’s like their Wrestlemania feud never happened!
– You know, I wouldn’t hate a Cody/Del Rio feud. I actually don’t mind him being a face either.
– I like the dumping of the announce table on fools.

Pretty happy with this Smackdown, greatly looking forward to the Rumble. Adios!

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Blast From the Past Smackdown (but not really)!

Can't wait to see one of these stages! Wait, no? Sad face.

– Who’s ready for a two hour Legends House commercial?!
– An old school Mean Gene promo? SWEET.
– Nevermind; just a Sheamus monologue.
– Big Johnny laying down the law, a $500,000 fine for hitting the ref! Permanent probation!
– Johnny doing Smackdown Teddy Long style: TAG MATCH. D.Bryan & Del Rio vs Sheamus and Mean Gene. Dafuq?

– Cowboy Bob Orton giving Randy a pep talk. His arm is finally healed! Bet his Hep C hasn’t, though.
– I’m glad Mark Henry is getting another push. I get why he was jobbed out while he was hurt, but it was such a fall from grace. He’s been nothing but money for the last year.
– Was Kane really hiding behind a trash can?
– Kane delivered his “A little fun the entire family can enjoy” line very creepy. If he only displayed those acting chops in see no evil…

– Benny Camer ain’t no Barry Stevens.
– I LOVE that they’re giving jobbers promo time before getting killed by Ryback.
– Ryback: Like Pitbull with RVD tights.
– Holy SHIT what a clothesline.
– “FEED ME MORE” is an outstanding catchphrase.

– Heath Slater is on TV AGAIN?! That’s like twice this month!
– Don’t get me wrong, I really want Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel to be a real team. But Kidd/Slater with Jimmy Hart? That excites me.
– You know what makes Smackdown so great? Custom nameplates during entrances.
– I enjoy hearing Mick Foley back on commentary. A Mick Foley/Matt Striker would be outstanding.
– Jimmy Hart: annoying as hell/
– Foley with an Owen Hart quote!
– I like how one of the Usos is getting fat. Finally fulfilling their Samoan heritage.

– Piper’s Pit! D.Bryan! YES! YES! YES!
– So much for the YES chants being dead. DC crowd sucked ass last night.
– 2 out of 3 falls at Extreme Rules for the WORLD! HEAVYWEIGHT! CHAMPIONSHIP!
– Oh my God AJ is beyond adorable.
– Bryan holding his own against Piper on the mic. Nice.

– Khali/Natayla/Alicia Fox vs Drew McIntyre/The Bellas. Really? Natayla’s tits look great, though.

– I’m not sold on Damien Sandow yet. He’s like Sean O’Haire circa 2003 but not as interesting.

– Hacksaw vs Hunico? For real?

– Finally someone to save us! Cody Rhodes!
– A little Dusty on Cody promo action?
– Seems like every time Dusty is on TV, Cody always turns on him. Then they’re ok, then they’re bad again.
– I fail to see how the Dashing Cody Rhodes promo are embarrassing. That gimmick put him on the map!

– There is no reason for Howard Finkel to not have done ring announcing the entire night.
– YESYESYES & SISISI together at last. The crowd should be going crazy.
– Now Ricardo vs Mene Gene is a match I could get into.
– Oh great, all the Legends come to ruin this match. Del Rio high tails it and D.Bryan gets feed a Brogue Kick.

They had an excellent chance to showcase what Smackdown is all about: wrestling. Instead they waste our time with old guys and video packages. Cole did have a great line, “Look! It’s the walking dead!” Smackdown sucked, such a disappointment. The only good things were Ryback and Piper’s Pit. Other than that, no thanks. I could’ve been watching Hardcore Pawn!

Another Raw Review~!

I just wanted to shake Brock's hand 😦

– John Laurinaitis has some awesomely Patriotic music. People Power!
– Fuck. This crowd SUCKS compared to Miami. But who cares, because HERE COMES THE PAIN!
– The only problem with pimping Brock’s UFC stuff is he go his ass killed his final two fights.
– Oh God, Brock isn’t playing a murder, his promo is cocky. NO ME GUSTA.
– An entire roster pull apart brawl between Cena/Lesnar? If they really wanted to keep them apart, all you need is A-Train, Mark Henry, Ryback, and Brodus.
– Scumbag WWE: “No Blood!” Shows Cena with legit blood.
– I fully expect a Lion’s Den match at Extreme Rules.
– So Brock legit punches Cena in the mouth, and remember real quick that he’s not in MMA anymore.

– Johnny has his Wrestlemania suit hanging in his office! Class.
– Funky’s on a Roll!
– Brodus/Santino vs American Perfection. This match will have the best of all worlds.
– I love Swagger’s shiny singlet.
– I’ll say it again: Swagger is just a personality away from being huge.
– Brodus getting the hot tag is the perfect time to say “Funky’s on a roll!!!”
– Ziggler got pinned? Ziggler….pinned…in a tag match…with Swagger? I’ve lost all faith.

– Big Show interrupts a Cody Rhodes match with a black guy, showing a recap of embarassing him, the EXACT same thing he did last week. Inception? BWOOOOOOMP.

– My friend Mike correctly guessed that Yoshi Tatsu would be squashed by Tensai tonight.
– I wonder if Lord Tensai remembers that time Lesnar dropped A-Train on his head with an F5.
– Poor Yoshi, home boy did’t get in ANY offense. Even Alex Riley got in a punch or two.

– I was hoping the Blast From the Past Smackdown tomorrow would feature the OvalTron or the giant fist stages. Looks like it’s just going to be an episode of Nitro from 2000.

– So if CM Punk just walks to the ring without stopped, does that mean it’s not clobberin time?
– Has Punk ever had a WWE/World Title reign on Raw where he was the focus of the show?
– I need to know where Jericho gets his coats made.
– Which does Punk hate more: flat Pepsi or booze?
– For the first time ever I am not impressed with a CM Punk promo. Hmph.

– So I guess Punk has to literally kill Mark Henry right now, right?
– Jericho pouring a case of beer on Punk. Legit? I’ve never seen that type of beer before, could be non-alcoholic?

– Zack Ryder taps out like a bitch. I’m no longer a fan of that guy.
– Del Rio whipping his nose with Ryder’s armband? Awesome.

– So I really didn’t want to discuss the 3 Stooges, but then Will Sasso came out and did a great job impersonating Hulk Hogan. Michael Cole: “Hogan lost some weight.” Perfect.
– Will Sasso will take a chokeslam, he don’t give a fuck.

– Brock Lesnar needs start practicing his promos again. Dude is baaaaaaaaaaaad.
– This show has been too video package heavy.

– David Otunga is SO oiled.
– There are like 30 Wounder Warriors in the crowd tonight. “Oh you’re wounded? Here, have shitty seats in the upper deck.”
– This is the first time the crowd has truly become alive. Say what you will, but Cena ALWAYS gets a reaction.
– Wow, there were no Divas on Raw tonight. First time ever?
– Otunga doing his best Chris Masters pose. The Blacksterpiece?
– I can tell Lesnar is not taking this seriously, and I kind of like it.

Really bad Raw. Hopefully Smackdown will be better. Gnite!

BONERJAM II: the SECOND COMING review

Once again the traveling circus known as Interspecies Wrestling visited nearby Danbury, Connecticut, and I couldn’t be happier. It was going to be hard to top last year’s Burger King of the Ring (which I maintain is THE most fun I’ve had at any indy show ever). The atmosphere of holding a wrestling show in a club (of sorts) creates an entirely different monster than a gym/hall/etc. The standing room only aspect of ISW in Danbury only enhances the experience, as it allows us as fans to be that much closer to the action. Now I can’t remember every single spot of this show, but I’m going to do my best for a respectable review. Let’s get started!

Frankie Arion vs Pinkie Sanchez
– Frankie gets on the mic and let’s all of us know that Pinkie has just gotten out of rehab, but assures us he is going to relapse soon. Pinkie tells us he has a new high: the one and only Jesus Christ. Crowd chants “Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ!” That’s a first for me.
– As expected these two went balls out. The action was fast paced and hard hitting. Frankie got the upper hand and retrieved as assload of cocaine that was stored in a pack of cigarettes. He blew it in Pinkie’s face, but it didn’t work out the way Frankie wanted. Pinkie LOST HIS GOD DAMN MIND and unleashed a coke-fueled fury. “I’M FUCKING GEEKED!” puts it best.
– The end came as Frankie was in the tree of woe and Pinkie was ready to pounce from the top rope, but Frankie blinded him with some awful smelling Axe body spray (seriously dude, Old Spice is where it’s at). Frankie a standing Double Pits to Chesty for the win. Pinkie then said if he was going to relapse, he would want it to be with all of us.
– Frankie also epically struck out with the chesty girl standing against the ring. She was not impressed with the GAnime Champion.

Team Tremendous vs Bastian Snow & Pasquale the Italian Chef
– Let me start off by saying I’m glad Dan Barry finally has a fucking shirt. My wardrobe is now forever “Remarkably Average” and I couldn’t be happier. Very excited to see he and Ken Scampi in ISW, as I’ve been watching them tear it up in CTWE for a while now. Also pumped to see Pasquale after his awesome debut in January.
– This marks the first time I’ve seen a cantaloupe used a weapon, as Bastian used it to smash Scampi’s balls. Pasquale needs to get his shit together too, as any respectable Italian would NEVER use French bread.
– Poor Scampi: Bastian’s shell just kept fucking him up. But it’s ok, because Dan Barry broke out his world famous HIPTOSS. Not once, not twice, but a record NINE hiptosses were dolled out. Scampi and the ref had no choice but to eat them too, Barry was on a role.
– I don’t remember how Team Tremendous won, but I know was I happy as shit because they did. Here’s hoping we get oodles more of those two together.

CTWE Showcase: First Class Vladimir Joseph vs Lukas Sharp
– I’ve seen these two wrestle quite a bit recently, but never in front of a crowd like this. It was a classic battle of David vs Goliath, because for those who don’t know Vlad is fucking massive and Lukas is tall and skinny.
– I enjoyed Vlad keeping himself PG; it’s a tough crowd and easy to get wrapped up in our profanities and such. I honestly did not expect him to tell us that he “has to doo doo.” Lukas was doing his usual awesome high flying spots (seriously, he’s really fucking good) and Vlad would just rock him. Lukas’ facial expressions are outstanding.
– Sharp was working the sleeper hold for a good portion of the match, and it finally worked in the end! However Vlad fell asleep and landed directly on top of Lukas, pinning him. Must say, I haven’t see that finish before. I’m glad I get to see these guys at CTWE every month.

Addy Starr vs Jodi D’Milo
– Just like when BKOTR was here last year, Addy Star is in another first for ISW: this time it’s a women’s match! I’ve seen both of these girls whoop the shit out of the guys so I was curious to see if they would “play nice” with each other. They didn’t. Those fucking forearms they were laying on each other landed with sickening thuds. Bitches be wildin, as they say.
– They literally just beat the shit out of each other. I like how both are so badass, but Jodi has sparkles on her kneepads and shoe laces, and Addy has thigh high tube socks on. It was adorable then scary because they kept fucking each other up. Addy got the win and Giant Tiger/Sexxy Eddie came out. GT called us all faggots and some girl a cunt, then offered a spot to Jodi in the League. She accepted and a three way kiss ensued, which ended up just being Eddie and Tiger making out.

Shitty vs Taka Suzuki vs Oni the Leopard King vs La Cucaracha
– Holy. Fucking. Shit. You want to see four guys brutally fuck each other up? You want to see crazy dives, the hardest chops on the East Coast, and a cockroach fight? Then boy do I have a match for you! This marks the 3rd time I’ve seen Taka wrestling live, and this man does not have an off switch. He goes full speed, full power all damn day. His yelling “FUCK YOU CUNT” didn’t hurt his standing in my eyes either.
– Best spot of the NIGHT happened as all four men sat down in a square. One by one they would chop each other as hard as possible. Shitty’s chest had welts on it by the time they finished. This match literally had it all: high spots, hard spots, comedy, and establishing a new threat in ISW (more on that later). Shitty won with a huuuuuuuuuuge piledriver.

Glaad Badd came out and announced to all of us that he is in fact straight. Ricky Badcliff comes out to let us now that the other Badd Brothers have been arrested and will no longer be apart of ISW 😦 Badcliff tells Glaad not to fret, however, as he has a new partner for him. Someone who will allow Glaad to be his big gay self. We are formally introduced to the Craigslist Homo! A new, gay tag team as arrived in ISW, and no one is safe from their slippery double teams. Pun intended.

Sexxxy Eddie vs Izzy Deadyet
– I’ll be honest, Izzy genuinely scares me. Another match with several firsts in it. The first being a legit drinking contest on the bar between these two. 3 beers, and Izzy won that shit HANDS DOWN. Makes sense: though Eddie is a Triple X Sex Express, Izzy is dead, and ergo cannot get drunk. Both of them letting out epic burps in my face was kinda cool, too.
– Izzy’s people’s elbow style move is outstanding. That zombie knows how to wrestle. Maybe next time he can add in a move or two from Thriller?
– I’ve never heard a crowd chant “Eat His Dick!” before.
– Now the most fucking weird thing I’ve ever seen in pro wrestling: Eddie reaches down through Izzy’s shirt and starts fishing around. No big dead, right? Then Izzy starts screaming and struggling as Eddie is really looking for something good. After some intense pulling, Eddie RIPS OFF IZZY’S DICK. He ripped. Off. A zombie’s. Dick. He then slapped everyone at ringside with it and won. No words can describe it.

El Hijo del Bamboo vs Homicide
– This is first time I’ve ever heard a negative response for Bamboo. How can anyone boo that adorable panda? He’s one of nature’s most precious creatures!
– Homicide was over as fuck; I guess some people just prefer a murder over a cuddly animal. Homicide pulled a fork out of his kneepad and killed a small stuff panda we brought in support of Bamboo. I shutter to think what he was going to really do with that fork…
– I loved how Homicide couldn’t keep a straight face in the ring. Even thugs love pandas! Except when they dive onto you on the floor. I don’t know if anyone would enjoy a 500lb mammal crashing into them. Then shit got weird.
– Homicide was clearly not himself after that bump. He was just hanging around the ring, took some time to chat with the fans and fix his headband. The whole match he had been talking about ripping Bamboo’s head off, and he finally did it. FORTUNATELY for us Homicide knew that he wasn’t wrestling the REAL Bamboo and exposed the fake in the ring. Bamboo scurried off and Homicide won via countout. Then Homicide brought a fan into the ring (Jimmy from Waterbury what up!) for a little Q&A. Safe to say we all enjoy Shelly Martinez’s huge tits. Then Dan Barry tried to end the whole thing, but ended up eating a Gringo Killer for his troubles.

Bunkhouse Brawl for ISW Title Twiggy vs Giant Tiger
– I have been to several shows where Fans Bring the Weapons. Never though, have I seen such unique weapons as I did Saturday night. Blow up doll, inflatable penis, nerf guns, ukelele, 4 foot Barbie, cake, keyboards, a random merch table, and God knows what else. These two beat the ever-loving shit out of each other. Tiger legit knocked Twiggy out of his boots.
– I’m pissed because I can’t remember how this match ended. But I know they beat the shit out of each other and Twiggy retained the title. But then SHITTY came down and piledrove Twiggy then posed with the belt, setting up a match at GRAND THEFT OTTAWA I assume.

Overall fucking FANTASTIC show from top to bottom. ISW is such a different experience from any other indy show I’ve ever been too. Do yourself a favor and go to ISW every chance you get. Here are some clickables for your pleasure:

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