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Talkin’ bout Smackdown!

Holy Moses it’s been a while! But it’s Wrestlemania season, and my website, so I’ll do what I want. Go!

– I had the opening segment with Hell No, Big Show, the Rhodes Scholars, and Del Rio on mute, but because I attended the Teddy Long School of Booking, I knew it was going to be a 6 man. Just not elimination style. Swerve~!

– When’s the last time Wade Barrett and Sheamus didn’t fight each other? It’s been like 15 TV matches and they haven’t feuded yet. Guess we’ll wait for one of them to be World Champion.
– I do always enjoy these matches, they’re usually hard hitting and bruising.
– Barrett’s mule kick is awesome.
– Sheamus on the top rope, maybe we’ll get some more Flying Sheamus photoshops! Or he’ll take a great bump from the top. Either way.
– When are we gonna see some White Noise through a table?
– Did Sheamus really need this win?

– I’m glad justice was served to the Rock. He’s a rapscallion!

– If Great Khali, Natalya, and Hornswoggle make a sex tape, I’d pay good money.
– Rosa vs Nattie? I guess it’s time to use the Divas you’ve got instead of hiring more models.
– Primo, Epico, Horny, AND Khali on commentary? Fantastic.
– Actually not a bad match. Here’s a thought: let the ladies who trained to wrestle actually wrestle!

– CM Punk? On Smackdown? With a mic? Daddy like.
– Very disappointed that Punk/Rock didn’t have more face to face time nor a bigger build up. The things they’ve could’ve done.
– Heyman is the best sleazeball ever.
– Was very much looking forward to Ambrose vs Punk promo war. Dammit.
– The Shield just got Punk’d! Get it?!
– Worst Smackdown editing ever when Rock said he was gonna shove his foot up his ass.

HOLY SHIT I hate the Rumble commercial. THE SHIELD CAN’T WIN THE RUMBLE, YOU IDIOT.

– IT’S THA THREE MAN BAAAANNNNNNNND BAHBY~!
– JBL with a Mean Street Posse name drop!
– Did Drew McIntyre ever have a chance against Randy Orton?
– You get an RKO! And YOU get an RKO! And YOU get an RKO!

An ad for the best of Raw and Smackdown DVD, featuring only Brock Lesnar? Interesting.

– MILLIONS OF DOLLARS! MILLIONS OF DOLLARS!
– A fantastically dressed Cesaro on commentary.
– Darren Young vs Miz. Should be…good?
– Standard match, and Miz didn’t botch the Figure Four!
– ALL AMERICAN ANTONIO CESARO

Of course showing the recap of Rock/Punk from literally 26 minutes ago is a good idea.

– Main event time! I like the elimination aspect of it, spices up the same old, same old.
– Cody’s Mustache needs a TV show.
– Daniel Bryan vs Damien Sandow: Loser Shaves Dat Beard.
– Show with a nice KO Punch to Kane on the outside.
– Can’t wait for guys like D.Bry and Cody to be the main event forever.
– I enjoy watching Big Show and Cody Rhodes team up. It’s like their Wrestlemania feud never happened!
– You know, I wouldn’t hate a Cody/Del Rio feud. I actually don’t mind him being a face either.
– I like the dumping of the announce table on fools.

Pretty happy with this Smackdown, greatly looking forward to the Rumble. Adios!

Extreme Rules Thoughts

I watch every Pay Per View the WWE offers. And as a professional journalist I feel the need to comment on everything the WWE does. However I hate live-blogging when I’m at someone’s house watching, so I figured I’d wait until today. Because I’m lazy.

Falls Count Anywhere: Kane vs Randy Orton
Not going to lie, I had high hopes for the this beyond “I can beat up your daddy.” I figured we’d get a good old fashioned brawl all over the arena match, and we did for the most part. Best part was when they intruded into the green room. All the lower level guys went scurrying except for Zach Ryder. That doofus. I was thinking/hoping that Ryder would cost Kane the match so they could finally feud. No such luck. And as far as that Falls Count Anywhere thing? Doesn’t match, because nearly every pin was attempted in the ring. Orton won in what was a pretty good one.

Brodus Clay vs Dolph Ziggler
Dammit! I like Brodus, and I’m glad he’s on PPV. But I’m pretty mad that his next victim is Ziggler, that man deserves so much more. I’m glad Chicago was firmly behind Dolph, and he did a damn good job of making Brodus look good. Obviously, Brodus won.

IC Title: Big Show vs Cody Rhodes
We spun the Raw Roulette wheel to see what match this would be, and it’s a tables match. Nice! Pretty standard match, nothing of note. Big Show put himself through a table by stepping on it. Yeah. I remember in the old days when it had to be an offensive maneuver to crown the winner. PG sure has changed things. I feel Cody getting the IC Title back is a step back for him, but I’ll save judgement until we see where it goes.

World Heavyweight Title 2 of 3 Falls: Sheamus vs Daniel Bryan
How over is D.Bryan? He cut an anti Chicago promo pre-match and they still “Yes’d” him to death. Love it. This match, hands down, is the best non-hardcore/extreme/stipulation match of the year so far. From a pure wrestling standpoint, this match was outstanding. They did everything right in this one, waiting like 10 minutes for the first fall. Bryan sacrificed the first fall by DQ, then tapped Sheamus out almost immediately after. Unfortunately, Sheamus when Superman and Brogue Kicked Bryan for the 3rd fall. I’m ok with Sheamus retaining, as there’s more options for him as Champ compared to Bryan. This match had it all, true ring psychology, pure wrestling, just great everything.

Ryback vs Jobbers
That’s right, TWO jobbers! I get they’re trying to push Ryback hard, but maybe it’s too early for PPV. The crowd shit on it too, chanting Goldberg and being relatively uninterested. Maybe you should keep him on Smackdown where you can pipe in cheers.

WWE Title Chicago Street Fight CM Punk vs Chris Jericho
Wow. That’s all I can say. Simply fantastic. Bryan/Sheamus was great for a pure wrestling match, but this one was as good as it gets for a brawl. The street clothes were a nice touch. Punk’s family sitting ringside was also a nice element. Punk’s sister’s slap on Jericho was pretty legit, those Punk’s know how to fight. These two beat the ever-loving shit out of one another. Lots of clever spots with the usual weapons. Punk’s elbow to the announce table was great, haven’t seen something like that in a few years. Punk retains in a match that should be on both men’s future DVDs.

Divas Title: Nikki Bella vs ???
Beth Phoenix is hurt, maybe. Either way she ain’t wrestling so Nikki gets a mystery opponent. It’s probably Kharma, right? “You’re not enough for me!” OH MAN IT’S MICHELLE McCO- oh, wait, it’s Layla. That’s cool too. Not a bad buffer match, felt bad the crowd didn’t pop for her return like I’m sure they would’ve liked. Layla wins.

Extreme Rules Brock Lesnar vs John Cena
Holy shit. That’s it, holy shit. Incredible. I don’t have a lot of friends who really like MMA, so when they saw those elbows Brock opened up with, they were in utter shock. As was I. I like how they’re letting him showcase his (mediocre) MMA skills. I have never, EVER seen Cena abused and manhandled like this. He got his shit fucked up every minute of this match. This is the best beatdown match I’ve ever witnessed in my life. He just battered Cena EVERYWHERE, I can’t get over that. We all bitch about not having blood anymore but you know what? In the rare occasion there is blood, it makes the match mean so much more. Cena was busted up for realz in the first minute, and Brock got his head bloodied towards the end. After getting his ass handed to him, Cena won. I’m ok with that, considering Brock isn’t going to be on TV all the time.

Overall fucking outstanding. Most complete PPV thus far with not one, but THREE true match of the year candidates. Good job, WWE, Extreme Rules lives up to the hype again.

10 Years Later: Randy Orton

2002 was a huge year for the future of the WWE. Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, John Cena, Batista, and Rey Mysterio all debuted before July of that year. It’s amazing to think all of those guys have (mostly) been around for an entire decade now. 31 WWE/World Championships between them. Every single one of them has won the Royal Rumble. Each of them won their debut matches on WWE television. All of them are Hall of Famers.

It’s crazy to see how much Orton has evolved in 10 years. Blue chip prospect. Shoulder injury and the Randy News Network. Evolution. Legend Killer. Legitimately almost ending the Streak at Wrestlemania 21. Rated RKO. The Punt. Epic feud with Cena. Legacy. The Viper.

Orton has always been pretty good; not great at any one aspect of his game, but pretty well rounded. Ten years ago I never would’ve thought Orton could do this much and be a mainstay for so long. Happy anniversary Randy!

PS Let us not forget Orton’s most shining moment: shitting in random Diva purses. Now that is the stuff of legends.

Various Smackdown Things

– YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
– It’s painful how they edit the cheers on Smackdown. We can see the crowd throwing their hands in the air for the “YES!” chants. What’s the point of showing us the crowd celebrating when you’re just going to edit it?
– Not exactly sure what constitutes a 2 out of 3 Falls match as being “Extreme.”
– Daniel Bryan is just so mean to AJ, but dammit I can’t stop loving him. He’s done literally NOTHING bad since winning the title in December, he’s become must see TV.

– Damn, Natalya’s juggs look excellent. Yes, I’m very classy.
– AJ slaps the SHIT out of Neidfart.
– There is no way I can suspend my belief and think that AJ would whoop Natalya’s ass like that.

– Very nice to see a r/SquaredCirle sign, and also shocked cat. Lots of meme signs in England this week.

– Not sold on Damien Sandow yet. He’s like a pompous Sean O’Haire circa 2003. This is has been in developmental for like 12 years is all I’m sayin.

– Hmm, Hunico vs Brodus Clay. I wonder what the outcome to this one is going to be.
– Oh, great, Hornswoggle is getting “funky” now. I hate that midget. Best thing he’s ever done is get his ass beat by JBL in a cage.
– Here’s a thought: stop having Hunico get squashed, and put him back under the Sin Cara mask and dump Mistico. OR put Hunico and Camacho together in *gasp* a TAG TEAM~!

– Titus O’Niel and Darren Young are not only on Smackdown, but they’re a tag team, and obnoxious black guys. I love it!

– Good Lord Matt Striker has beautiful blue eyes.
– Didn’t Kane and Orton have a Falls Count Anywhere match like 2 weeks ago?

Titus O’Neil/Darren Young vs the Usos
– When they say U, we say…so?
– Hey Titus: DO THE BARK!
– I wonder if the Usos are starting to get a little pudgy around the waist as a way to honor their heritage.
– Score one for NXT!
– I dub their finisher the Big Black Hart Attack. I’m actually excited for these two as a team.

– Notice how they’re using the WWE Network style graphics and music for wwe.com? That doesn’t bode well for the Network.

– I care not to watch Alberto Del Rio vs Big Show. Cody Rhodes helped, that’s good enough for me.

– Giving the local jobbers some mic time is awesome. Having random wrestlers talking about Ryback backstage? Eh.
– I like me some Ryback. Can’t wait to see him in some real matches.
– RIP Danny Lerman

– A humiliated Teddy Long is a good Teddy long in my opinion.
– Claudio! I mean, Antonio Cesario!

– In a tag match, shouldn’t the World Champion come out last?
– Sweet! Cody takes out Khali. That guy sucks.
– Totally unfair to let Big Show join the good guys.
– Isn’t it crazy, that heel teams usually work better than face teams? Quick tags, isolation, double teams, etc…
– See? Awesome double team: Cody had Show in the Figure Four and Mark Henry splashes Show right into the pin. Nice work.
– Poor Mark Henry, eating all 3 finishers. But hey, it took 3 finishers to put him down. That counts for something, right? RIGHT?!

Blast From the Past Smackdown (but not really)!

Can't wait to see one of these stages! Wait, no? Sad face.

– Who’s ready for a two hour Legends House commercial?!
– An old school Mean Gene promo? SWEET.
– Nevermind; just a Sheamus monologue.
– Big Johnny laying down the law, a $500,000 fine for hitting the ref! Permanent probation!
– Johnny doing Smackdown Teddy Long style: TAG MATCH. D.Bryan & Del Rio vs Sheamus and Mean Gene. Dafuq?

– Cowboy Bob Orton giving Randy a pep talk. His arm is finally healed! Bet his Hep C hasn’t, though.
– I’m glad Mark Henry is getting another push. I get why he was jobbed out while he was hurt, but it was such a fall from grace. He’s been nothing but money for the last year.
– Was Kane really hiding behind a trash can?
– Kane delivered his “A little fun the entire family can enjoy” line very creepy. If he only displayed those acting chops in see no evil…

– Benny Camer ain’t no Barry Stevens.
– I LOVE that they’re giving jobbers promo time before getting killed by Ryback.
– Ryback: Like Pitbull with RVD tights.
– Holy SHIT what a clothesline.
– “FEED ME MORE” is an outstanding catchphrase.

– Heath Slater is on TV AGAIN?! That’s like twice this month!
– Don’t get me wrong, I really want Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel to be a real team. But Kidd/Slater with Jimmy Hart? That excites me.
– You know what makes Smackdown so great? Custom nameplates during entrances.
– I enjoy hearing Mick Foley back on commentary. A Mick Foley/Matt Striker would be outstanding.
– Jimmy Hart: annoying as hell/
– Foley with an Owen Hart quote!
– I like how one of the Usos is getting fat. Finally fulfilling their Samoan heritage.

– Piper’s Pit! D.Bryan! YES! YES! YES!
– So much for the YES chants being dead. DC crowd sucked ass last night.
– 2 out of 3 falls at Extreme Rules for the WORLD! HEAVYWEIGHT! CHAMPIONSHIP!
– Oh my God AJ is beyond adorable.
– Bryan holding his own against Piper on the mic. Nice.

– Khali/Natayla/Alicia Fox vs Drew McIntyre/The Bellas. Really? Natayla’s tits look great, though.

– I’m not sold on Damien Sandow yet. He’s like Sean O’Haire circa 2003 but not as interesting.

– Hacksaw vs Hunico? For real?

– Finally someone to save us! Cody Rhodes!
– A little Dusty on Cody promo action?
– Seems like every time Dusty is on TV, Cody always turns on him. Then they’re ok, then they’re bad again.
– I fail to see how the Dashing Cody Rhodes promo are embarrassing. That gimmick put him on the map!

– There is no reason for Howard Finkel to not have done ring announcing the entire night.
– YESYESYES & SISISI together at last. The crowd should be going crazy.
– Now Ricardo vs Mene Gene is a match I could get into.
– Oh great, all the Legends come to ruin this match. Del Rio high tails it and D.Bryan gets feed a Brogue Kick.

They had an excellent chance to showcase what Smackdown is all about: wrestling. Instead they waste our time with old guys and video packages. Cole did have a great line, “Look! It’s the walking dead!” Smackdown sucked, such a disappointment. The only good things were Ryback and Piper’s Pit. Other than that, no thanks. I could’ve been watching Hardcore Pawn!