Hard to believe it’s been ten years since Allen Iverson gave his infamous “practice” speech. What? This is about wrestling? Oh, good thing Raw is on. S’go!
– Big Johnny laying the verbal smackdown on Cena. Call me crazy but I am excited for their match at Over the Limit.
– Cena’s not in the arena live tonight? Hm, I’m sure.
– Wait, were the ropes always white? Or did they just change them for tonight? Either way, I like it.
– CM Punk takes a break from berating folks on Twitter to join us! Pipe bomb?
– Punk does his thing, runs down Johnny, and gets booked vs Tensai later on.
– The IC Title is looking awfully shiny tonight.
– Lawler is a fucking idiot, “What are the rules of a tables match?” Cole: “You put your opponent through a table. Cody dropkicked Big Show and then he went through the table!” Lawler: “That’s not what happened!” You stupid fucking moron, that’s exactly what happened.
– Cody via countout? That’s fine, I’m ready for this feud to end.
– Mmm, sexy Eve is sexy.
– I’m often curious to know if Kofi Kingston will ever be a true main eventer.
– Wait, could this be the beginning of a…tag team feud?
– I’ve seen Kofi vs Dolph about 100 times, and it’s always been great.
– Damn, the SOS just looked fantastic. No one sells like Dolph.
– Woo a ziggler win! Haven’t seen one of those in forever.
– The irony of Cena being via satellite is not lost on me.
– Phew, good thing the broadcast is experiencing technical difficulties. I didn’t want to hear a lot of this anyways.
– Just noticed Cena’s eyes are a nice steel blue and grey.
– I’ll never understand how Maxine is on television by Kaitlyn isn’t.
– Every time I hear Layla’s music, I’ll always think of McCool. Never forget, baby 😦
– Dude, Layla has been awesome these last two weeks. She’s quick, fluid, and just good.
– They gotta stop with the cars for Del Rio.
– So Sheamus/Orton vs Del Rio/Jericho. I suppose this leads to Jericho vs Orton?
– Good continuity: Daniel Bryan hurts Sheamus’ shoulder last week. Del Rio uses an arm bar that can also hurt shoulder.
– Wouldn’t mind an Orton/Del Rio feud, even though the promos would be obnoxiously boring.
– Nice series of finishers with Jericho pinning Sheamus. I smell a 4 way at Over the Limit.
– 4 way confirmed. Damn I’m good.
– New lighting for the Funkasauras!
– Aw Miz…poor Miz. Turn this man face!
– Oh my God, Miz isn’t getting buried! WAT?!
– Well, can’t say I didn’t see that coming. At least Miz, like Ziggler, didn’t get squashed.
– PS: Naomi is all azz.
– Oh good, another Brock Lesnar recap, now I can watch some NBA!
– So CM Punk tweets a picture of PAUL HEYMAN. I assume it’s all a ruse. Low and behold, I’m wrong, dammit.
– You know what sucks about Heyman being back on TV? A lot of these people don’t know who he is. It’s a shame how quickly they’re forgotten.
– Thank God he’s back though, even if it is just until Brock leaves.
– Brock quits, apparently. If Heyman sticks around with Brock through Mania, he gets a Hall of Fame nod. Bank on it.
– WHOA, WAIT, HOLD ON! CM Punk, the WWE Champion, is going to be in the main event?!
– I’m glad this handicap match was spoiled by Cole a half hour ago.
– Not a fan of Tensai nor his little swimmies.
– YES! YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!
– Tensai pins Punk.
– Thank God Bryan does a little post match beatdown on Punk, or else this Raw would’ve been a total waste.
Holy Toledo Extreme Rules was awesome! But that’s not what we’re talking about, we’re talking about Raw!
– Crowd is HOT and Big Johnny is amped. Brock looks unfazed by that loss.
– Triple H’s hand looks very tan.
– If we get Brock vs Triple H at some point, I feel as if Raven foresaw the future. Doing the whole “Cripple H” thing and whatnot.
– You can’t just tear up a contract, Triple H! That’s breach, and Brock should sue/F5 the WWE.
– You do NOT tell Big Johnny to shut up, Mr H.
– Triple H: “No one is bigger than the WWE.” Believe me, I’ve been trying for 15 years.
– Forget Brock vs Orton at SummerSlam. That rumor sucks. If Brock can do what he did to Cena last night (ie fuck his life up) then Orton literally doesn’t stand a chance. Triple H vs Brock Lesnar is most certainly the big money match.
– I’ve always liked the Beat the Clock Challenges. Pretty sure I was there for the first one way back in 2005.
– Oh hey, it’s the Miz! I remember you!
– You know, Santino is SO over that I could actually see him getting a PPV title shot at some point.
– I thought for sure Miz was going to get jobbed out again. But I guess you can’t bury your next movie star too much.
– Triple Threat for the Divas title? I’d like a Triple Threat with any of these girls if you catch my drift. I mean sex.
– The final burial of the Bellas is almost complete. Layla with the quick win. Rollups rule!
– You know why I like Beat the Clock? Ideally it gives you the top ten ranked guys for the WWE Title.
– Oh God, Big Show vs Jericho.
– Not a bad match actually. Show with a small package! Or, a big package, I guess.
– Blown finish: Show getting counted out, ref clearly not counting as fast as the clock on the screen. Jericho wins by countout but isn’t in the ring in time. Until black ref tells us that he was. They go to commercial to settle this clusterfuck instead.
– They acknowledge the obvious, and if Black Ref hasn’t been fired/eaten alive by Vince by now, then I fear for his life.
– Funky’s on a roll!
– Naomi is quickly becomes a favorite Diva of mine. DATASS.
– Ha. JTG.
– Wait, JTG STILL HAS A JOB?!
– Hate to say it, but the crowd doesn’t seem to pop for Brodus as hard as they have.
– Orton? WHY IS A SMACKDOWN GUY GETTING A RAW TITLE SHOT?!
– And against Swagger, too. It’s 10:07, match hasn’t started yet and it’s a commercial. Spoiler: Orton wins.
– Oooooooooh Orton said shit! teehee.
– Orton is now Beating the Clock.
– Holy shit, WWE.com just reported the Bellas have been fired. Interesting way to dump them, on dotcom during Raw.
– Oh my, a Tag Title match!
– This match is brought to you by Taco Bell! Ignore the Hispanics in the ring, WWE swears it’s not racist.
– I can’t believe Primo just kicked Little Jimmy! That monster!
– Good to see Kofi/Truth tagging again. With these two teams, plus the Usos, Darren Young/Titus O’Niel, and any other random team they throw together, we might actually get a real division!
– I’d probably stab someone for some time with Rosa Mendes.
– What a shock! Kofi and Truth win the belts!
– I was just about to say, “Wow, what a great WRESTLING show tonight. Then I learned that the Great Khali has a match.
– Oh Lord, it’s Wrestlemania 23 all over again
– I know I bitched about Orton being in a Raw title shot match, but I’m okay with Daniel Bryan doing the same thing. SHUT UP THATS WHY.
– His opponent is…Jerry Lawler. LOL.
– What a waste, really. Couldn’t put Ziggler, Tensai, Brodus, Mark Henry, Cody Rhodes, Derrick Bateman in one of these matches? Gotta use Khali and Lawler?
– Punk vs Bryan on PPV? GIVE IT TO ME.
– This is literally going to be outstanding and insane and everything I want it to be. Another Match of the Year candidate right there in one of America’s best wrestling cities.
– C’mon, whatever city we’re in tonight: if Chicago doesn’t boo Cena, neither do you.
– Big Johnny to announce Cena’s opponent at Over the Limit. It’ll be Tensai, yawn.
– WAIT! SWERVE! IT’LL BE JOHNNY! HOLY SHIT! HE’S GONE MAD! EVERYONE HAS GONE CRAZY! IT’S
2002 was a huge year for the future of the WWE. Brock Lesnar, Randy Orton, John Cena, Batista, and Rey Mysterio all debuted before July of that year. It’s amazing to think all of those guys have (mostly) been around for an entire decade now. 31 WWE/World Championships between them. Every single one of them has won the Royal Rumble. Each of them won their debut matches on WWE television. All of them are Hall of Famers.
It’s crazy to see how much Orton has evolved in 10 years. Blue chip prospect. Shoulder injury and the Randy News Network. Evolution. Legend Killer. Legitimately almost ending the Streak at Wrestlemania 21. Rated RKO. The Punt. Epic feud with Cena. Legacy. The Viper.
Orton has always been pretty good; not great at any one aspect of his game, but pretty well rounded. Ten years ago I never would’ve thought Orton could do this much and be a mainstay for so long. Happy anniversary Randy!
PS Let us not forget Orton’s most shining moment: shitting in random Diva purses. Now that is the stuff of legends.
– YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
– It’s painful how they edit the cheers on Smackdown. We can see the crowd throwing their hands in the air for the “YES!” chants. What’s the point of showing us the crowd celebrating when you’re just going to edit it?
– Not exactly sure what constitutes a 2 out of 3 Falls match as being “Extreme.”
– Daniel Bryan is just so mean to AJ, but dammit I can’t stop loving him. He’s done literally NOTHING bad since winning the title in December, he’s become must see TV.
– Damn, Natalya’s juggs look excellent. Yes, I’m very classy.
– AJ slaps the SHIT out of Neidfart.
– There is no way I can suspend my belief and think that AJ would whoop Natalya’s ass like that.
– Very nice to see a r/SquaredCirle sign, and also shocked cat. Lots of meme signs in England this week.
– Not sold on Damien Sandow yet. He’s like a pompous Sean O’Haire circa 2003. This is has been in developmental for like 12 years is all I’m sayin.
– Hmm, Hunico vs Brodus Clay. I wonder what the outcome to this one is going to be.
– Oh, great, Hornswoggle is getting “funky” now. I hate that midget. Best thing he’s ever done is get his ass beat by JBL in a cage.
– Here’s a thought: stop having Hunico get squashed, and put him back under the Sin Cara mask and dump Mistico. OR put Hunico and Camacho together in *gasp* a TAG TEAM~!
– Titus O’Niel and Darren Young are not only on Smackdown, but they’re a tag team, and obnoxious black guys. I love it!
– Good Lord Matt Striker has beautiful blue eyes.
– Didn’t Kane and Orton have a Falls Count Anywhere match like 2 weeks ago?
Titus O’Neil/Darren Young vs the Usos
– When they say U, we say…so?
– Hey Titus: DO THE BARK!
– I wonder if the Usos are starting to get a little pudgy around the waist as a way to honor their heritage.
– Score one for NXT!
– I dub their finisher the Big Black Hart Attack. I’m actually excited for these two as a team.
– Notice how they’re using the WWE Network style graphics and music for wwe.com? That doesn’t bode well for the Network.
– I care not to watch Alberto Del Rio vs Big Show. Cody Rhodes helped, that’s good enough for me.
– Giving the local jobbers some mic time is awesome. Having random wrestlers talking about Ryback backstage? Eh.
– I like me some Ryback. Can’t wait to see him in some real matches.
– RIP Danny Lerman
– A humiliated Teddy Long is a good Teddy long in my opinion.
– Claudio! I mean, Antonio Cesario!
– In a tag match, shouldn’t the World Champion come out last?
– Sweet! Cody takes out Khali. That guy sucks.
– Totally unfair to let Big Show join the good guys.
– Isn’t it crazy, that heel teams usually work better than face teams? Quick tags, isolation, double teams, etc…
– See? Awesome double team: Cody had Show in the Figure Four and Mark Henry splashes Show right into the pin. Nice work.
– Poor Mark Henry, eating all 3 finishers. But hey, it took 3 finishers to put him down. That counts for something, right? RIGHT?!