Hard to believe it’s been ten years since Allen Iverson gave his infamous “practice” speech. What? This is about wrestling? Oh, good thing Raw is on. S’go!
– Big Johnny laying the verbal smackdown on Cena. Call me crazy but I am excited for their match at Over the Limit.
– Cena’s not in the arena live tonight? Hm, I’m sure.
– Wait, were the ropes always white? Or did they just change them for tonight? Either way, I like it.
– CM Punk takes a break from berating folks on Twitter to join us! Pipe bomb?
– Punk does his thing, runs down Johnny, and gets booked vs Tensai later on.
– The IC Title is looking awfully shiny tonight.
– Lawler is a fucking idiot, “What are the rules of a tables match?” Cole: “You put your opponent through a table. Cody dropkicked Big Show and then he went through the table!” Lawler: “That’s not what happened!” You stupid fucking moron, that’s exactly what happened.
– Cody via countout? That’s fine, I’m ready for this feud to end.
– Mmm, sexy Eve is sexy.
– I’m often curious to know if Kofi Kingston will ever be a true main eventer.
– Wait, could this be the beginning of a…tag team feud?
– I’ve seen Kofi vs Dolph about 100 times, and it’s always been great.
– Damn, the SOS just looked fantastic. No one sells like Dolph.
– Woo a ziggler win! Haven’t seen one of those in forever.
– The irony of Cena being via satellite is not lost on me.
– Phew, good thing the broadcast is experiencing technical difficulties. I didn’t want to hear a lot of this anyways.
– Just noticed Cena’s eyes are a nice steel blue and grey.
– I’ll never understand how Maxine is on television by Kaitlyn isn’t.
– Every time I hear Layla’s music, I’ll always think of McCool. Never forget, baby 😦
– Dude, Layla has been awesome these last two weeks. She’s quick, fluid, and just good.
– They gotta stop with the cars for Del Rio.
– So Sheamus/Orton vs Del Rio/Jericho. I suppose this leads to Jericho vs Orton?
– Good continuity: Daniel Bryan hurts Sheamus’ shoulder last week. Del Rio uses an arm bar that can also hurt shoulder.
– Wouldn’t mind an Orton/Del Rio feud, even though the promos would be obnoxiously boring.
– Nice series of finishers with Jericho pinning Sheamus. I smell a 4 way at Over the Limit.
– 4 way confirmed. Damn I’m good.
– New lighting for the Funkasauras!
– Aw Miz…poor Miz. Turn this man face!
– Oh my God, Miz isn’t getting buried! WAT?!
– Well, can’t say I didn’t see that coming. At least Miz, like Ziggler, didn’t get squashed.
– PS: Naomi is all azz.
– Oh good, another Brock Lesnar recap, now I can watch some NBA!
– So CM Punk tweets a picture of PAUL HEYMAN. I assume it’s all a ruse. Low and behold, I’m wrong, dammit.
– You know what sucks about Heyman being back on TV? A lot of these people don’t know who he is. It’s a shame how quickly they’re forgotten.
– Thank God he’s back though, even if it is just until Brock leaves.
– Brock quits, apparently. If Heyman sticks around with Brock through Mania, he gets a Hall of Fame nod. Bank on it.
– WHOA, WAIT, HOLD ON! CM Punk, the WWE Champion, is going to be in the main event?!
– I’m glad this handicap match was spoiled by Cole a half hour ago.
– Not a fan of Tensai nor his little swimmies.
– YES! YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!YES!
– Tensai pins Punk.
– Thank God Bryan does a little post match beatdown on Punk, or else this Raw would’ve been a total waste.
– YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!
– It’s painful how they edit the cheers on Smackdown. We can see the crowd throwing their hands in the air for the “YES!” chants. What’s the point of showing us the crowd celebrating when you’re just going to edit it?
– Not exactly sure what constitutes a 2 out of 3 Falls match as being “Extreme.”
– Daniel Bryan is just so mean to AJ, but dammit I can’t stop loving him. He’s done literally NOTHING bad since winning the title in December, he’s become must see TV.
– Damn, Natalya’s juggs look excellent. Yes, I’m very classy.
– AJ slaps the SHIT out of Neidfart.
– There is no way I can suspend my belief and think that AJ would whoop Natalya’s ass like that.
– Very nice to see a r/SquaredCirle sign, and also shocked cat. Lots of meme signs in England this week.
– Not sold on Damien Sandow yet. He’s like a pompous Sean O’Haire circa 2003. This is has been in developmental for like 12 years is all I’m sayin.
– Hmm, Hunico vs Brodus Clay. I wonder what the outcome to this one is going to be.
– Oh, great, Hornswoggle is getting “funky” now. I hate that midget. Best thing he’s ever done is get his ass beat by JBL in a cage.
– Here’s a thought: stop having Hunico get squashed, and put him back under the Sin Cara mask and dump Mistico. OR put Hunico and Camacho together in *gasp* a TAG TEAM~!
– Titus O’Niel and Darren Young are not only on Smackdown, but they’re a tag team, and obnoxious black guys. I love it!
– Good Lord Matt Striker has beautiful blue eyes.
– Didn’t Kane and Orton have a Falls Count Anywhere match like 2 weeks ago?
Titus O’Neil/Darren Young vs the Usos
– When they say U, we say…so?
– Hey Titus: DO THE BARK!
– I wonder if the Usos are starting to get a little pudgy around the waist as a way to honor their heritage.
– Score one for NXT!
– I dub their finisher the Big Black Hart Attack. I’m actually excited for these two as a team.
– Notice how they’re using the WWE Network style graphics and music for wwe.com? That doesn’t bode well for the Network.
– I care not to watch Alberto Del Rio vs Big Show. Cody Rhodes helped, that’s good enough for me.
– Giving the local jobbers some mic time is awesome. Having random wrestlers talking about Ryback backstage? Eh.
– I like me some Ryback. Can’t wait to see him in some real matches.
– RIP Danny Lerman
– A humiliated Teddy Long is a good Teddy long in my opinion.
– Claudio! I mean, Antonio Cesario!
– In a tag match, shouldn’t the World Champion come out last?
– Sweet! Cody takes out Khali. That guy sucks.
– Totally unfair to let Big Show join the good guys.
– Isn’t it crazy, that heel teams usually work better than face teams? Quick tags, isolation, double teams, etc…
– See? Awesome double team: Cody had Show in the Figure Four and Mark Henry splashes Show right into the pin. Nice work.
– Poor Mark Henry, eating all 3 finishers. But hey, it took 3 finishers to put him down. That counts for something, right? RIGHT?!
– So Smackdown is always taped and always looks different from live Raw. But this Raw is taped and looks like any other Raw. How is this so?
– I can tell I’m going to like this crowd. DC sucked hard last week.
WWE Title: Punk v Henry
– Glad to see Henry getting another push, even though he’s not going to win any more significant matches.
– CM Punk doing his best Jeff Hardy-walk the barrier imitation and ends with a flying bulldog. Nice.
– Punk eats a nasty powerbomb against the barrier. Hell yeah.
– Oh my! Almost a chairshot to the head! So close…
– Punk’s top rope elbow FINALLY looks good, and all it took was a steel chair.
– Punk v Jericho for the belt at Extreme Rules in a Chicago Street, which is ironic, because he’s from Chicago. Get it?
– The bar Jericho is in is the worst fake bar I’ve ever seen.
US Title Santino v Otunga
– It has been exactly 5 years since the Milan Miracle.
– Still disappointed Santino hasn’t changed the title to European Title.
– Troll Face!
– Not sure if Lord Tensai…or Shredder.
– Brock Lesnar is the most outspoken Superstar of all time, Cole? He had a mouthpiece for a year!
– UFC style promos in the WWE? Like.
Kane v Ryder
– Hey! Remember when these two were kind of feuding, then Ryder broke his back and Kane went on to lose to Cena and Orton? And then Ryder fell back in love with Eve but that petered off and she finally turned on him? And then creative remembered that these two were feuding so they decided to throw them back together? Yeah? WELL FUCK.
– Nevermind all that. Squash. Good.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
– Gross, the scripted Cena is back.
– Can it really be considered a new era if the top two guys you have (Cena/Orton) have been here for 10 years, a guy that just came back (Brock) debuted 10 years ago and has been gone for 8. It’s not a new era. Don’t be dumb!
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
– Changing the LaBelle Lock to the YesLock is silly, but dammit I love it.
– The Daniel Bryan Effect (aka YES!) is going to have adverse effects on everyone he fights, like Kofi and Sheamus. Sheamus is literally going to get boo’d out of the building in Chicago.
– Awesome springboard backwards splash to the outside by Kofi.
– Typical London Raw: one really great match, but other than that not much.
– Funky’s on a rollllllllllllll
– I feel as if this isn’t going to bode well for Ziggler. Not that it matters, because Brodus touched Swagger so DQ? No sense has been made.
– Big Johnny has THE best sign on his locker room door ever.
– Jay Strongbow memorial video, that aired last week, when he did the week before.
The Carlitos vs Show/Khali
– Fuck Khali dead.
– Poor kids, they never stood a chance.
– His name is Abraham Washington. Not AW. That’s STOOOOPUD.
– God bless her Canadian heart, but Rosa cannot walk right in those heels.But damn I love watching her try.
– Interesting that the Miz hasn’t been on TV tonight yet.
Extreme Rules Cena vs……
– So, i thought it was going to be the Miz. Made sense, right? Well, we’re all dumb. It’s Lord Tensai. I didn’t even consider him. Cause I’m dumb.
– So turns out A-Train really hasn’t improved too much since he’s been gone.
– That green mist matches Cena’s wristband!